Unfortunately, as many people know, one of the major causes of breakups  in relationships is a break down in communication.

In  my last article, I touched on the concepts of the different communication styles of child, parent and adult. So, what do these styles ‘look’ like?

Starting with the child: this style is emotion based. When a baby is born, they have very little experience to draw from and therefore all their communication is based on feeling; feeling hunger, feeling wet and uncomfortable, feeling pain, feeling cold, hot, warm, feeling comforted, feeling safe etc.

As a child grows they learn more from what they see and what they experience and can then reason more, but initially they react to their surroundings and things and what is happening.

Every child needs a parent, so this is the next style someone is ‘exposed’ to. This is learnt by observing and being involved on the other side of the interaction. The parenting style is more about teaching, guiding, nurturing, placing boundaries, and simply giving instructions in order to teach and protect their child.

Lastly, as we all eventually grow up (smile), we learn an adult style of communicating. This is when we can express ideas, thoughts, and negotiate with someone in a way that preserves each person’s boundaries and respect, and come to a solution acceptable to both parties. Using the adult style of communicating means that the communicator chooses their response.

So, briefly, a child reacts, a parent guides, and an adult responds. The difference between reacting and responding is that a reaction is automatic – like a knee-jerk reaction and a response is a thought out choosing of how someone deals with what has happened and what they want to do about it. It is measured  action, rather than an instant reaction.

Lets look at an example to show these three styles.

Lets say the subject is choice of clothing for an event:

Child: Wants to wear the first colorful garment they see, whether it is appropriate for the outing and weather or not. If thwarted in their desire to wear a particular article, they will react in a number of different ways – shout, sulk, stomp, cry, or allow themselves to be distracted. Can be reasoned with when given a choice. Happy to wear skirt on her head, or shorts on his head!

Parent: Can gauge the weather and knows that this is an event where casual clothes will be good; going to a family picnic at the beach and the sun is bright. Gives child choice of light long sleeve t-shirt and board shorts and sun hat in two different colours – “You can wear this or that, you can choose” – very helpful to give a child an option so that they have some control over what they wear, then they have ‘chosen’ it within the boundaries Mum or Dad have set. Parent knows what style of clothing to wear and what they need to consider when thinking about the conditions.

Adult: Thinks for themselves. They know they need to wear clothing that will protect them from the sun, that will cover themselves appropriately for setting and the company they will be in. From past experience they have learnt what is acceptable in a family setting and would not show up in an evening gown or tux. If they are part of a couple, they might share what they each plan to wear and agree to color co-ordinate, and /or they would discuss what might be appropriate for weather conditions etc before making their decision on what to wear.

The child speaks from their emotions, where as the parent while still partially emotion-based has a more measured approach like that of the adult, and is thinking ahead for the child, guiding and teaching, setting the boundaries to teach and protect their child.

The adult speaks calmly having thought out what they are trying to convey in way that is easy to understand. They hear what is said and choose their response, where a child will simply react. An adult will seek to understand the message by using active listening skills and feedback techniques, where as a child is more an observer albeit a poor interpreter of what happens around them and what they hear. They also experience everything literally, where an adult can understand figurative concepts.

Adults readily look for a WIN-WIN situation when negotiating whereas a child is only thinking of ME.
Generally a child is not really willing to compromise, a parent shows how compromise works, usually provides two options, but has the final say and an adult looks to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties.

Knowing this can help you decide how you operate in different situations and help you understand some of the dynamics of your communicating style with your partner. Once you can see what is happening and why, it is simple to find a solution, if it needs fixing.

As we all know, prevention is better than cure, but even if your relationship has disintegrated to the point of relationship breakup or breakdown, a regaining of understanding and forgiveness can bring you both back together again. The first step is communicating ….

If you and you love have broken up and want to get back together, then there is help for you.
For more information about causes of relationship breakups, and how to rebuild your relationship again, I can recommend this book“The Magic of Making Up”, written by a guy who has helped thousands

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