68% of the couples that seek counseling state that poor communication is the major stumbling block to a relationship. Apparently, average couples communicate for only 5 minutes a day, yet communication is the most important part of a relationship. Once we stop communicating, stop being affectionate or stop making love, we no longer have a relationship. Yes, its true that there are many couples who lack these three ingredients and are still together, as two very unhappy individuals.

Communication is not just verbal. It include every message, feelings and thoughts that we convey through eye contact, emotion or body language. The secret of effective communication is to know how to avoid the harmful interactions.

Poor communicators tend to debate about an issue or discussion, blame one another in order to boost their egos and find scapegoats. Everything to them is a competition and they are more interested in being right than a successful relationship. They perceive themselves as smart and knowledgeable and never tend to give an inch to others, consistently demand their own right of way. They are not focused on the relationship they share, only on the arguments, tending to be secretive, self righteous and in denial, so conditions are always tense as they compete for control. To them, the important is ‘who win’ and ‘who is right or wrong’ without being sensitive to others’ feelings or fears. For them, there is only and ever one way of doing things – their way. No one else method is valid or ever accepted.

Characteristics of poor communicators:

  • Criticism - They usually have alot to critise, put down or blame for their partner. The trouble with blame is that it keep us focus on their partner and not able to see or aceept our own fault.
  • Defensive - Neither partner will care about each other. Both are busy defending themselves from the blame or put down and getting their own point across.
  • Sanity - Poor communicators are usually the ones who think that they are ‘sane’, ‘reasonable’ and ‘caring’.
  • Denial of Discussion – They response to criticism in a defensive manner, constantly denying and making excuses. They even blame their partner for being ‘emotional’, ‘stupid’ or ‘mad’.
  • Biased Perception – Usually, individual perceptions are biased, distorted or contradictory. They are also more likely to be exaggerated and angry instead of compromise.
  • Straying from the issues – They tend to stray from the main issue and put the blame on their partner. Sometimes adding insults and complains without adding anything constructive.
  • Mind reading -  They tend to ‘mind read’ or ‘psychoanalyze’ their partner. Usually, it comes together with rolling of eyes, mocking or interrupting constantly.
  • Holding out – Poor communicators have great determination to hold out and never ‘give in’ until they win. Usually it ends with alot of anger or dead silence.
  • Stonewalling - When the attacks get too much, or when they hear something they do not like, there is likely to be no response. Instead poor communicators withdraw from the situation in a self-righteous way (stonewalling), preventing any kind of discussion or resolution.

Now that you have learn about some tell tale signs of a poor communicator, check to see if you are the one who is poor in communication or is it your partner?