Despite the piling evidence that very few romantic relationship is able to pass the test of time, many still strive for a lasting, committed relationship. The problem is, people don’t have a role model to demonstrate how to make a relationship last. I have found ten elements that are consistently named by relationship expert as guidelines to make a relationship last. 

1. Love Yourself

It will be hard to understand why someone else will love you if you can’t love yourself. There are many ways to build self-esteem, check out the self-help section in your local bookstores or libraries for books on self-esteem and learn to love yourself. If you find it difficult to follow the techniques given or get the results you wanted, consider consulting a psychologist that can help you get to the root of your self-esteem problem. 

2. Like Your Significant Others

It is not enough to simply love your partner. You have to truly like who they are. Liking someone means enjoying who that person is. 

3. Respect Your Partner

 Respecting your partner means being honest and open with them. It also means you have to consider their needs, wants and feelings. Usually, if you really like the person, respect will come naturally, even though everyone will be a little selfish sometimes. It is at this time that you need to constantly remind yourself to think of your partner and their feelings. 

4. Communicate

Being open and honest isn’t always easy. You may find there are times where you don’t want to be honest because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. Remember that your partner can read your mood and though they may not know why, they can tell if you are enjoying yourself. Communicating with your partner of your needs, wants, likes and dislikes allow them to understand your further and also show that you respect them as a confidant.

5. Fight Fair

Sometimes, even with open and honest communication, arguments do happen. Fighting fair when argument do arise allows you to maintain mutual respect in the relationship. Fighting fair means using the “I” statement instead of the “you”. “You” statements are statements of blame and are design to belittle the other party and it doesn’t work towards solving the argument. By using “I” statements, you are able to communicate your point without putting your partner in the defensive.

6. Compromise 

You and your partner should be like a team working towards common life goals. While most people like to “win” arguments, both of you will come out as “big winners” if you compromise on certain issues. Solutions of compromise will allows both parties to contribute to the relationship and come out stronger. 

7. Touch Each Other Everyday

Intimacy is a major component in any romantic relationship and while open communication allows you to be intimate on an intellectual level, some other communication do not need words. A touch on the hand, a hug, small gestures can say alot more to your partner than mere words.

8. Work At It

Romance is easy. Being  a caring and contributing partner take work. People are fairly selfish by nature so most of the time you ought to remind yourself to think of your partner before yourself. It is also important to remember that you need to work on yourself and your contributions to th relationship instead of working towards changing your partner. 

9. Spend Time Together

Couples that play together stay together. Spend time enjoying things together. Whether it’s taking up a hobby together or having a Sunday morning routine where you chat over a cup of coffee, enjoy each other. 

10. Spend Time Apart

As important as it is to spend time together, you also need to spend time with yourself. Learning and growing on your own gives your tools to help build a stronger relationship because you can be a stronger contributor to it. However, not all of your time need to be spend on learning or participating in hobbies, sometimes, just by taking an hour out to meditate or soak in the tub can help clear your mind of stress you otherwise will take out on your partner. 

Many of the ‘secrets’ of lasting relationships aren’t actually secrets at all. Basically, it’s a matter of ensuring that you are with your partner because of who they are and of thinking of your partner before yourself on a regular basis.

Interrupting can be a bad habit….and it automatically shuts down lines of communication. When we are so eager and in hurry to get our point across, it is difficult to slow down and not interrupt the other person.  The quick interjection and cutting off the other person sends out a bad message that they don’t matter. The receiving end can feel as if your invisible, what you have to say does not matter, and you’re not important.    There are good intentions bind this approach, yet it unfortunately sends the opposite message.

Here are a few quick tips on how to stop the bad habit of interrupting:

Remember it’s Not Your Turn: Remind yourself that it is your partner’s turn to talk.  Have your mind focused on your partner and what they are saying.  It is their turn, so your job is to simply listen and try to understand what it is like to be in their shoes.

Bite your Tongue: If you disagree or have something to say, bite your tongue, pinch your arm, and count to 10 in your head.  Slow down your response and help keep yourself ground by biting your tongue.

Breathe: Take a deep breath to calm down your reaction and remember that you want your partner to be active in the relationship.  Sometimes just taking a breath will help slow down our reactions.

Take a Mental Note: If something comes to mind, take a mental note to share your point of view later.  Your voice and your views matter, so take note of it and bring it up when it is your turn to talk.

Active Listening: Put into practice the active listening tool.  Your job at that moment is to show your partner that you are listening, try to understand what your partner is saying, and stop thinking about what your next response will be.  Start active listening, stop talking, and stop the active interruptions.

Value Your Partner: Successful communication is to make your partner feel important, emotionally safe, and that they matter.  When communicating, make it your personal goal to send the message that your partner is important and what they have to say matters. Remember that your partner has value.

Take Turns: Create 20 minutes of uninterrupted discussions and take turns sharing your views, ideas, and thoughts.  One person gets to be the talker and other person gets to be the listener.  Take turns on each side.

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Get your Relationship Un-Stuck: By Jennine Estes

Relationships are full of ups and down, ins and outs.  Some couples get caught on the “down” side and fall into the nasty hole of disconnection, loneliness, and dullness.  In many ways, it can feel as if being stuck in a bottom of a ditch; nothing to grab onto to climb out, and the more work to dig your way out, the more dirt falls in.  Many couples try to make repair attempts to climb their way out of the deep hole, but the more it barriers them with more issues to work through.  Does any of this sound?

Getting caught in a ditch with no tools and no latter, can be exhausting.  Couples simply need a bit of hope and team work to help them climb their way out. Here are a few simple steps you can do to begin spicing up your relationship and climbing out of the ditch:

Get out of Routine:  Many couples fall into routine, get used to the fact that they have a partner, and over look nurturing the relationship.  Stop watching television nightly, stop making sex a routine, and stop waiting on your partner.  Find a way to surprise your partner and do something different.

Get Re-energized: Begin creating excitement and energy in your life by focusing on you.  Take your lunch break and meet up with a friend, or get energy by joining a group, or start a new hobby.  Any sense of energy is better than no energy.  The excitement you have in your personal life can boost your motivation to crawl out of the pit.Talk about it: Begin a conversation about being stuck; share with one another about what it is like to be stuck in the ditch, talk about things that might help you two get motivated, and problem solve about other options for climbing out.

Comfort one another: When you two have been trying to dig your way out, it can get tough.  Hold and comfort one another while going through the tough times.  Tell your partner that you two will find a way to get out.   Remember, you aren’t the only one stuck in the ditch.

Look for the Good Stuff: When the disconnection is overwhelming and the energy is low, the optimistic thoughts dwindle away.  Take an active approach and look for the good stuff in the relationship.  Think positive and shift your thoughts from doubtful to hopeful.

Seek Professional Help: When the tough gets going, and the digging only makes things worse, it is time to start yelling for someone to help you find a way out.  A professional, such as a couple’s therapist, isn’t stuck in the ditch and can toss down a rope to help you climb out.

View the original article here

Latterly, my better half, seven year old girl and I made a decision that since it was and a touch breezy evening that we might take a blanket outside, spread it out on the grass with some refreshments, and experience the evening reading books.

I grabbed a book that I had wished to finish for some time, strapped on my seatbelt as it were, and got prepared for some serious, uninterrupted reading. Except there had been one tiny problem my wife and child grabbed a book they announced they were going to read together. And for the following hour and a half that we spent on the grass, they were both up and back down, out of and into the house, giggling, giggling, playing, getting this, getting that, provoking one another, and generally, messing about. If doubt they read ten lines of text the entire time. Now on my end, I need to read my book and so I ended up beginning to feel a touch worsened.

My focus was on reading and anything that interrupted me or distracted me from my reading was a bother and an irritant. In truth, I went so far as to point out to them; You girls are not getting much reading done are you? It was their look of astonishment, that look at me as if I was from outer-space or some foreign place that made me remember that which I already knew Females are concentrated on relating.

And anything that interrupts them or distracts them from their relating is a bother and an irritant. And therein lays the rub. Men are concentrated on the doing while the girls are concentrated on connecting. So how does one enhance your relationship with your better half? Naturally, there are plenty of answers to this query, but relating to this document, the way to boost your relationship with your spouse is to push yourself to put aside whatever it is you’re doing.

Absolutely forget doing anything and instead target the connecting and relating that she desires. Understand that whatever the doing part is meant to be is truly nothing less than a platform on which she wants to attach and relate. But take care, if you take time connect and relate to and with her, she’d finish up doing you if you get my drift happily, that is precisely what’s happened to me.

View the original article here

Women tend to keep secrets from their husbands for a variety of reasons;  it could be from intense amounts of shame, to fear of losing the relationship, to past relationship wounds, to the fear of the packed away emotions exploding out and losing control, etc.

Some secrets are buried for good reasons….and keeping that secret hidden, kept inside can create a sense of feeling in control and emotionally safe.  These deep, dark buried secrets are scary for many to open up and share the vulnerable issue.  It can feel as if they won’t be able to maintain control, and that the over flowing emotions may not ever have an “end” in sight.  It can simply be scary to open up, to feel the emotion.  Feeling the emotion alone can be terrifying, and the unknown of what could happen if they open up Pandora’s Box…and not ever being able to put it back.

Some secrets are only exposed to a specific person, depending on the closeness and emotional security.

If we peel away the layers of human interaction, people ultimately have a need to feel safe and secure with others if they expose a secret, take a risk and get vulnerable with their mate.  Safe and secure meaning: the relationship may be at a loss, fear of being judged, attacked, and/or fear being misunderstood. And if a partner does not take the risk to share the personal secret, it is most likely attached to this concept of not feeling safe and secure about the relationship.

Well, that’s obvious….a woman’s weight and age.  These are two “NEVER have to tell” rules for women.

On the other hand, women don’t need to tell any secret to their mate if they don’t want to. Plain and simple.  Non-disclosure is choice, yet it can come with various consequences in the long run.   Overall, there are very few things that people can lie about where it doesn’t come with some sort of obstacle, problem, or impact on a relationship.

The dangerous part of keeping a secret from your partner is generally not the content of the lie, but it is the act of deception.

The caution is to think about the impact it would have on the relationship if your partner found out later on down the road.   Some white lies or omitted information can still come off as lying or hurting a relationship.  Determine the severity of it and how it may come across.  You don’t have to expose every little personal detail of your past.  Share at your comfort level.  It is your choice.

Ex- Relationships: As much as you want to be honest with your partners, men really don’t want to know how much better in bed your ex-boyfriend was than him.  Be satisfied with the knowledge of your previous sexual experiences and understand that your relationship will be better for your dirty little secret to be kept unsaid. In truth, all things from a previous relationship…things that were private between the two of you, should be treated delicately.  Go on the verge of caution when discussing your sexual experiences with your ex.  Men take much pride on their bedroom performance.  He might hate to know that you lied to him, but he might hate even more knowing about your ex’s performance in bed.

Readiness: Some things are very personal, such as a molestation or rape, and your inability to even discuss the topic may lead to half truths and lies.  Although these items may be best shared eventually (and the sharing may help you heal), the timing is vital and if you aren’t ready, then it isn’t time.  Start at your own individual counseling and then work your way up.

Your Friend’s Secrets: If you have been told something in confidence, there is no reason to break that trust and share the secret with your partner.  Tread lightly and pick and choose.  Maintaining a secret for your friend may lead to a web of lies, so once again tread lightly.  If you told your friend that you would keep the information a secret, keep that secret to the best that you can.

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The “How to Save my Marriage” by Self-Improvement First

Think about the time when you are on an airplane ready for take off and you hear over the intercom that in case of an emergency, air masks will drop….and parents to first put the air masks on themselves, and then put it on the baby.  This concept is that you can’t save your baby if you don’t get your own oxygen.  Baby’s need parents to be alive and taken care of so the baby can be tended to.  This concept is the same for relationships.  We have to tend to ourselves, make sure we are feeling good and emotionally stable, so that we can tend to the relationship.  In order to save a marriage, we have to be living and breathing in a healthy and strong manner.

The more you feel confident in your own skin, the more the confidence will seep out your pours. 

Here are 5 Elements of Self Care:

Physical: Care for yourself physically by exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy foods, and limiting the unhealthy foods.  If you drink on a regular occasion, cut down or put it on the back burner for now.  Physical care doesn’t simply mean eat healthy and working-out, but it also means take time for you physically. For example, spend extra attention on your own personal hygiene, more effort on your hair, spraying perfume/cologne, flossing, get more sleep, or shaving more often.  The more you care for yourself, not only will you hold yourself in a more confident manner, but the more your partner will notice you are taking extra effort to look good for them.

Mentally: Often we use our brain solely for work or for the family and that we become brain-dead by the end of the day.  It is vital to take time to decompress and relax your mind.  Feed your mind with something mentally stimulating that gets your mind excited, such as read a good book, learn about a new topic, or educate yourself about a topic that you have wanted to learn about.  The more mentally satisfied you are, the more it impacts the way you can relate with others.

Emotionally: Take time to emotionally improve your mood.  The more stressed and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is for your partner to connect with you.  The mood can automatically drive a wedge in between the bond.  Take time to decompress your emotions, regulate your mood, and slow down your reactions. Your JOB is to regulate your mood.  If your emotions aren’t regulated, then your partner isn’t able to see that you are safe place to connect with.  Calm your nerves, decompress, and let out your steam in a productive manner.

Spiritually: Feed your soul with your spirituality….and this doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.”  Find a way to include your spirituality by meditations, prayer, attending church, or connecting with mother-nature.

Relationally: Relationships all need nurturing, not just your intimate relationship, but your relationships with others.  Nurture your heart by improving your relationships with your children, friends, and family.  Make sure that you have a balance in your relationships, yet setting healthy boundaries.

View the original article here

By Jennine Estes, MFT

Is Facebook helping or hurting your relationship?

On a weekly basis I have clients sitting on my therapy couch and sharing how Facebook was involved in some part of their relationship.  Some state that they use Facebook when they are feeling insecure in the relationship; investigating their partner’s activity with others, combing through the friends list in search for a red-flag person, searching for signs that the relationship is off-track, or looking for inappropriate comments.  Other clients have stated that they watch their partner’s (or soon to be partner) relationship status as a sign of whether their relationship is in tack, broken-up, or in the works.   Other people use it to keep an eye on their ex, to look up a crush, to share their relationship’s dirty laundry, or to addicted to the online banter, etc.  The list is endless!

Facebook isn’t the problem….it is the relationship dynamics and our human reactions that get in the way.

Here are a few tips on how to prevent your relationship from getting hurt through the use of Facebook:

Jealousy and Drawing a Line: If your relationship already has the jealousy-syndrome, then Facebook won’t help.  The use of this social media can really magnify the insecurities because you don’t get to see the “behind the scene” interactions between other people.  If you are feeling insecure, maybe you and your partner shouldn’t have FB.  Remember, the one sentence post or new friendships can be taken out of context, misinterpreted, or misconstrued. It can also create an alarm or a temptation….for either investigating or flirting.  You may need to draw the line to the use of Facebook or delete the account.

Check-In, Don’t Assume: Posts by your partner, friends, or colleagues are three words to three sentences about their world they are in.  You aren’t in their world, but you get a sneak peak at their world.  Since you don’t have all the back ground to that person’s post, your view of it may be completely off based.  Check-in with the other person if you have concerns about a post and get the entire story.  Don’t just watch and wait for the Facebook relationship status to change or get hidden, and don’t just assume that someone isn’t taking care of themselves by simply reading a two lined message.  Take a leap and talk to the other person before you assume.

Be SUPER clear: If your relationship is already on the rocks, be super duper clear with your posts.  Don’t post ambiguous posts, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…”  You might be brainstorming on your next project at work, but your partner may read it after getting off the phone with you and worry that you may be in debate about the relationship, or uncertain about the bond.  Even though it might not say much to you, it could spark a sensitive cord with your partner.  Give a bit more info so it shows more of your world, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…. brain storming for work.”  The clearer you are, the less you have to explain.

Post Safe Topics: Use safe topics posts that won’t strike a cord or can be misinterpreted.  Safe topics may include what are doing for the day, how your work day is going, or maybe a few of your favorite quotes.

Don’t air your Relationship Dirty Laundry: Your feelings may be consuming you and all you want to do is let it out…on Facebook.  Posting your relationship problems won’t fix them.  It simply posts your dirty laundry to the public and causes more problems.  Instead, address the issue directly with your partner.  It isn’t that people don’t care about your relationship and your struggles, but posting your issues and complaining about it isn’t appropriate…nor will it get you anywhere.  Not everyone needs to know the nitty-gritty about your relationship. Think twice before you post.  It is a public forum.

Change your Privacy Settings: Sometimes personal life really shouldn’t mix with business, or certain people shouldn’t know your daily life activities.  Change your privacy settings so that co-workers, family, and friends have limited access.  Remember, people don’t know exactly what is going on in your world, and they may interpret your posts wrong.  Piecing together someone’s life by facebook posts is very common, yet very challenging to get the puzzle pieces to fit exactly.  Filter who can and cannot see your postings; save yourself a lot of pain and heart ache.

Include your Partner: Instead of having the Facebook individual and separate, include your partner by either going on together or having a joint account. The relationship could improve drastically by simply bonding over an online social experience as a team.  Allow your partner to sit next you while you go on, helping reassure them.  Discuss what would feel comfortable for the two of you and find a way to include one another.

Cut back: It is very very easy to caught up(or addicted) to the social networking and you could find daily surfing increasing and checking your cell phone for updates, or wakeup/go to bed to facebook.  You might cross a line and focus on what your family member has posted that it impacts your day.  Either way, your interactions with FB are hindering you and your relationships.  Cut back.  Know when to say no and let go of the steam.  If you are on it all the time, show your partner they priority and more important than Facebooking and cut back on your FB Addiction. 

Delete the Red-Flag Friends: Sometimes people may cross a line by posting inappropriate messages or flirty comments.  If this person is a red-flag for either you or your partner, it may be time to delete them from friend’s list or you may need to confront the issue straight on.  Being friends with a “red-flag” won’t help the relationship heal, improve a bond, or help your partner feel comfortable with you.  It tends to have the opposite effect.  If in doubt…press delete.

View the original article here

The other day, a friend of ours asked us if people were still getting married because divorce rates are so high–(One source cites 50% for first marriages, 67% for second, and 74% for third ones).

Although we don’t do research in that area, of the people who contact us, they are very much interested in a committed, intimate relationship if not marriage.

So are people getting scared away from making relationship commitments because of statistics and what they see happening to others around them?

We don’t think so.

While we urge people to be open to making and keeping this kind of commitment, we also know that without the follow-through actions of doing what it takes to create the relationship you want–

A commitment alone is pretty hollow.

A lot can happen in a relationship, especially one that lasts many years, so we’ve identified 10 “worst case relationship scenarios” and some pointers on how to deal with them.

You (or someone you love) might be experiencing one or more of these right now and if so, we invite you to take conscious, positive steps toward what you want.

Here are the 10 scenarios (in no particular order)…

1. There’s been a drastic life change for one or both of you–the severe illness or death of a child, chronic, serious health problems, financial issues like bankruptcy, loss of a job, loss of a parent or becoming a caretaker for a parent.

We all know that drastic life changes can play havoc with relationships. If you’ve had a life change like we’ve described, the main thing you can do is make self-care as important as the other priorities in your life.

If you need the support from a professional, be sure to get it. Don’t go through your life pretending you aren’t being affected by the change. Take action to get the help you need.

2. You used to have a great relationship and now your partner won’t talk to you and you feel distant from one another.

It is true that relationships ebb and flow and in order to keep your relationship strong, you need to change and flow with it.

But you have to keep communicating to do that.

If either you or your partner has “clammed up” and won’t talk about what’s going on for any length of time, it can certainly lead to the end of the relationship.

One idea from our “Stop Talking on Eggshells” that
you can try if this is happening to you is to be honest about what’s going on.

Be honest with yourself and with your partner about what you are experiencing without blaming either one of you.

3. You or your partner had or is having an affair and there are serious trust issues.

Trust issues, especially from past infidelity, can completely erode a relationship–let alone affairs that continue to go on.

Our advice–Get clear about what you want and what you and your partner’s commitments are to your relationship. If you’re tempted by an affair, even an emotional one, focus your attention on your relationship instead to discover what’s there. Focus your attention on making this relationship better if possible first.

If you need help, we offer concrete ways to build trust back in a relationship after cheating in our
“Relationship Trust Turnaround.”

4. There’s a conflict of values between the two of you and neither person is willing to bend.

These different values can show up in many ways–raising children, dealing with finances, religious differences, cultural differences, and so much more.

When there’s this kind of conflict, one or both people are trying to change each other into something that isn’t and may never be.

Bringing those differences into the open, listening to each other and not making the other wrong is where you begin.

Then find out if there’s enough of an overlap of other interests and values that will allow the relationship to thrive or if you both might be better, happier people apart.

5. Your partner says “I’m leaving” or you have the urge to leave that you can’t shake off.

In committed relationships and marriages, a person who is considering leaving usually mulls it over for quite awhile before he or she acts.

If this describes you or your partner, it’s important to find out what you really want in a relationship and if this relationship can bring that to you.

The quicker you find clarity, the quicker you can make this relationship better or make the decision to move on.

If you need help, our “Should you stay or Should you go?” process
can help you sort it all out.

6. You or your partner has addictions that interfere with intimacy and connection.

If you or your partner are numbing yourselves by using addictive substances, it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to have a healthy relationship (depending on the severity of the addiction.)

If addictions are keeping you and your loved one apart, get the help you need from a professional. Don’t turn a blind eye to what’s happening or make excuses. It usually only gets worse.

7. You or your partner is blinded by jealousy.

Jealousy, especially when it’s considered “unwarranted,” can kill a relationship very quickly.

Again, whether you are the jealous one or it’s your partner, you need to both look at the problem and commit to healing it.

8. There’s emotional or physical violence in your relationship.

If there’s violence of any kind in your relationship, don’t make excuses for it–it’s a call for help. The best advice we have is to take action to get help.

If your relationship is filled with violence, even sporadic violence, thinking you can save him or her (if you are the victim) will never change things.

It’s a call for help–and that means outside help. If you are the victim, find a way to leave the relationship until you know the violence has stopped forever.

If you’re the one prone to violence, get help now. Don’t excuse, justify or apologize your way through life. Take action to stop it.

9. One or both of you are apathetic or bored in your relationship.

This is the silent killer that creeps into relationships and usually the two people don’t realize it’s happened before it too late.

If you feel this might be happening in your relationship, tune into yourself to feel what’s missing and what you want.

Breathe some life into yourself by finding a goal that turns you on. Remember you have to breathe life into yourself before you can revitalize your relationship.

10. One or both of you can’t heal after the pain of a previous relationship breakup or divorce.

We all carry unresolved emotions from previous relationships and many times, they are worked out in the new relationship.

But when the pain of the past interferes with the new relationship–when one of you lives more in the past than in the present–it can kill the relationship.

You can learn to come into the present moment and let the pain of the past move through you and dissolve.

It can be a complex process and we don’t want to trivialize it here but you can learn to see life differently–if you choose.

Okay, so we’ve given you our pick for the 10 worst case relationship scenarios with the hope that you will get a little insight into how to make some shifts for the better if they happen to you or your loved ones.

Our wish for you is happiness and love–and coming into consciousness about what’s currently in your life and moving toward what you truly want is a step toward that.

View the original article here

If there’s one common question we hear from people who have ended their relationships (or their partners ended them), it’s this…

“Is there anything I could have done differently to save my relationship?”

We’ve discovered that it’s not what you do at the last minute when your relationship’s in big trouble that makes a difference…

It’s what you both do along the way to keep creating the relationship that you want that keeps it alive and healthy.

With that in mind, we’ve noticed some disturbing trends in relationships that can and do lead to their end.

Here are 4 trends that must be stopped if you want to keep your relationship growing deeper and more connected…

Trend #1 That MUST Be Stopped:

1. Texting while having dinner or in a conversation with someone you love.

While we love technology, we also know about being present, truly present, when you’re with someone you love. And texting or scrolling through your IPhone while your loved one is talking is not being present.

In fact, this shows your loved one that the other person or topic is more important to you than he or she is.

You might argue the point, but the fact is you are sending the message, sometimes over and over, with your actions. And actions speak louder than words.

Trend # 2. Flirting with people other than your partner.

Whether it’s on Facebook with someone you graduated with or a co-worker, what you might call innocent flirting can get out of hand pretty quickly.

You can end up confiding in this other person more than you do your partner. You can end up spending a lot more of your thoughts on the other person than you do on your partner.

This is certainly a recipe for relationship disaster.

If you find that you’re nurturing a relationship outside your main relationship to a greater depth than you are with your partner, stop and get conscious of what you’re doing. Take responsibility for where your flirting could be heading.

Trend # 3. One or both people “talk on eggshells.”

When one person is afraid to be truthful and holds back part of himself or herself, there’s no chance intimacy and connection can grow.

You might think that holding back so you don’t hurt the other person’s feelings or not “rock the boat” is keeping the peace.

The problem is that these feelings don’t go away and they eventually come out in ways that are not very pleasant.

Trend # 4….

Bitching and complaining about your partner with friends, family or co-workers.

While it can feel really good to get something your partner did off your chest while you’re talking with a sympathetic friend, it can do damage to your relationship if that’s ALL you do about it.

Bitching and moaning keeps you in the victim mode and doesn’t help your situation.

We’re not saying that sometimes you can get good insights when you talk with a friend, but be sure that that is your intention instead of wanting validation that you’re right.

And be sure that you address the problem with your partner so the two of you can understand one another.

Trend # 5. Not spending enough time together.

If there’s one thing we preach it’s that in order for your relationship to stay alive and filled with passion, you have to spend time together.

You can’t keep putting everything else in your life before your relationship and expect that it will survive, let alone thrive.

Get your priorities straight and live accordingly even if you think it’s impossible right now.

View the original article here

If you’ve ever done what my mom used to call “set up housekeeping,” you might have some idea of what kind of kitchen staples you’d need.

These can be different for everyone but there are certain things that are pretty standard. When we did a Google search for “kitchen staples,” one website listed about 42 items.

Some of those were the usual things like coffee, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, beans (of all kinds), garlic and tea.

Our kitchen staples may not look like yours but there are probably some similarities if someone took a clipboard and check sheet and inventoried our kitchens.

What’s all this have to do with your relationship?

We don’t think we’re stretching the point (very much) when we say that throughout the years of delving into relationships of all kinds, there are some similar things that could be called “relationship staples.”

Want to know a few? We’ll start you off with a list of 7…

1. Don’t jump to conclusions so quickly

Most of us go about our days reacting rather than truly being conscious about what’s happening right now. We jump to conclusions, thinking we know what someone what meant by what they said and the truth is that we don’t.

The funny thing about our minds is that we just make it up and sometimes we don’t even hear what someone has said correctly. We hear what we want to hear–or don’t want to hear.

So ask for clarification before jumping.

2. Connect with each other every day, even for 15 or 20 minutes

If you want to connect with someone and have a great relationship, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that you have to see or talk with that person–connect somehow–everyday.

How you make your connection is determined by whether you can physically get together or not. Sometimes that isn’t possible. But what is possible to talk with each other in a way that you both feel a connection.

3. Stop what you are doing and listen more intently

If there’s one thing we’ve learned in our relationship, it’s that in order to create a deeper connection you actually need to pay attention to the other person.

If you multi-task, the other person feel his or her lack of importance to you. Yes, you might not mean it that way but that’s the way it’s coming off.

So stop and pay attention.

4. Treat yourself to what relaxes you every day

Find some way to relax yourself every day, even for a few minutes. It might be to take a walk. It might be to do some meditating. It might be to listen to some relaxing music. It might be to paint, draw or do your favorite hobby. It could even mean doing a crossword puzzle.

The point is to find some way to let the cares of your day dissolve so you can be fresh to be with others.

5. Be more truthful when you don’t want to do something or go somewhere

Okay, so a lot of us have a problem telling someone, especially those we love, that we don’t want to do something or go somewhere when the he or she really thinks it’s important.

The problem is that when you don’t and you agree to go (or let them THINK you agree), you run the chance of building up resentment, even though you might not realize it.

And we all know how resentment can come out–in sarcasm, anger at something entirely different, or cold silence.

If you do any of these, start practicing being more truthful.

6. Stop yourself when you start getting critical

Criticism is addictive. Most of us do it but we don’t realize the damage it does to our relationships–even when we do it in our minds.

Constant criticism eats away at relationships and not only damages the other person but it damages you.

So when you feel criticism bubble up in your mind, stop yourself and shift your thoughts to something else that’s healthier.

If you need to talk with someone about an issue or problem, of course deal with it but don’t keep criticizing.

Find ways to work it out.

7. Learn something new that will increase your enthusiasm and zest for life

One way to keep your relationships alive and growing is to keep yourself growing in positive ways.

Notice what excites you and you feel some passion for–and do that.

If you keep telling yourself that you don’t have any time–that you have too many responsibilities and things to do to spend time doing something like that–think again.

If you don’t, you risk deadening yourself and losing you.

This is one of the biggest relationship killers there is–so make it one of your relationship staples to take some time to do something that you find interesting.

Those 7 ways are of course not the only “relationship staples” there are for creating healthy relationships. We invite you to come up with your own list and add those.

The point is to do some things that will create more health in your relationships–rather than do things that will create separation and disconnection.

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