I attended a social excursion, recently, wherein I was put on notice by a friend with “you want me to be completely honest with you? Well here goes . . .” Not only did this make me nervous, I braced myself for a barrage, and my fears came true, as a barrage of insulting conjecture came flying forth with a fierceness, I had not yet experienced with my friend.

Often times, couples will come into my office, with a chasm between them seemingly a lifetime long. They display and report hurt and distance and fear and distrust. They go round and round and argue utilizing the same phrases and statements, and tell me these are the same arguments they have at home. Repetitive. Unproductive.

When it is time for apologies, they are often cerebral exercises, “I am sorry” typically stated by the husband and the response is typically the wife stating, “yes, I’ve heard all this before.”

There is often follow up questioning, typically by the wife “but why, why did you do it in the first place?” and there is the husband’s typical come back “I am sorry, I won’t do it again.”

Sometimes, these conversations or variations of this conversation occur over and over, session after session. Sometimes, ultimately, the repetitious feedback loop with alter and new information will be divulged, perhaps something like . . . “I’m sorry, I did it because, I didn’t want to be around you . . . that’s why.”

At this point in the session, the other party, often the wife, will frequently cry at the new revelation.

This is where the entire dynamic changes.

I observe an entire shift in the relationship dynamic, right before my very eyes. The husband, typically observing the tears, will begin to shift endlessly in his seat, talk compulsively, look away, and will appear to become extraordinarily uncomfortable.

When I ask him the standard therapeutic question, “what is going on for you right now?” He’ll often reply, “I have no idea what to do . . . when she cries . . . I can’t fix it.” Upon further probing from me, the rationale often whittles down to “I feel . . . helpless.”

So, the alternative? Save the wife from hurting, save the husband from feeling helpless, alter, conceal, or omit the truth.

This plan of relationship survival comes into my office over and over. It’s often unconscious and takes awhile to uncover. It’s inception is noble . . . saving someone’s feelings from hurt. Who wouldn’t think this logic charitable? Unfortunately, the outcome is far different than the intended. The unfortunate impact, I’ve observed, is a decay in trust. The wife wonders if her husband has ever been honest with her, causes her to ask herself if she’s just a fool, feels shut out of husband’s inner world, and the husband feels more and more criticized by his wife – despite his best intentions!

An antidote? Honesty.

Not the aforementioned type of honesty, at the beginning of this article. Brutal honesty is far different than emotional honesty, taking personal responsibility kind of honesty, revealing oneself, kind of honesty . . . this self revelatory, real, intimacy- building kind of honesty may, at times, wound the other person. It will not destroy the other person.

Brutal honesty tends to come out in a blast, accusatory, full of intensity, sometimes in anger, and tends to induce the desire to move away. It can be experienced as criticism.  Emotional honesty tends to come out softer, full of emotion, tentative, and induce the feeling of compassion in the other person. Despite the benefits of emotional honesty, it appears to be the most difficult to achieve.

This level of honesty requires the ability to tolerate being uncomfortable for a little while, to accept one may not be able to fix it, in the moment, or spare one’s spouse pain. It means allowing one’s spouse to have their own feelings.

The deep traumatic pain individuals tend to disclose is typically related to abandonment and betrayal. These tend to be the most intense, unbearables in intimate relationships. Honesty about one’s inner experience is not something typically reported in therapy as ultimately destructive to marriages.

Sharing the complete self can lead to an intimacy deeper than ever imagined, can strengthen the compassion, can lead to a profound understanding of one another . . . and isn’t that ultimately, what we all crave . . . to be heard and understood?

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One of the common complaints that we hear from couples, especially ones who have been together for many years, is this…

“We love each other but we’ve lost track of one another in the busy-ness of our lives. We barely talk to one another outside of the bare essentials of taking care of the kids and getting things done.”

In our experience, this lack of intimate communication beyond the basics of living is what kills passion and ultimately relationships.

The TV show “Bones” star David Boreanaz recently admitted to infidelity in a People magazine interview.

Although the admission of a star’s infidelity certainly isn’t unusual or a surprise, Boreanaz’s wife’s response is.

While she didn’t “blame” herself for her husband’s affairs (he took full responsibility for his actions), she did admit that they led separate lives and when they were together, they were each focused on their computers and not on each other.

Is this an excuse for cheating?

Of course not but why even allow your relationship to get to this point?

So what might have prevented their relationship breakdown as well as many other couples’ breakdowns who may not be dealing with cheating but rather vague feelings of distance and wanting more?

The answer is simple…

Start having intimate conversations with your partner.

(For some simple communication tips, check out the ideas in our “Communication Magic” program.)

In other words, start talking about what really matters to each other you.

Here are 5 questions that might help you get started talking again…

If you haven’t been used to asking or answering questions like these, we suggest that you approach this in a playful way.

Making it “serious” and approaching it like “work” will only backfire on you.

So lighten up and have fun with this.

You might choose the best question for you to start out and just see where your asking takes you.

Remember, listening carefully and lovingly is as important or even more so as the asking.

One more thing we’ll add before we give you the questions…

Don’t allow yourself to get defensive no matter what.

If your partner won’t answer now, says a vague “I don’t know” or you don’t particularly like the answer you get, just listen.

You might also share your answer with him or her just to get the ball rolling but keep blame out of it.

Okay, we’ve given you enough instructions–

Here are the 5 questions you might want to ask your partner or lover…

1. In order for me to be the best husband/wife/lover possible, I’m curious…

…What could I do that would make you say 12 months from now that this has been our best year together ever?

2. What are the things you’d like my help or support with right now or maybe in the future?

3. If you were to think about it for a moment, what’s the one thing you’d love to ask me to do or be open to trying that you think could make our passion soar?

4. How could I become more trustable to you?

(Being trustable can be something as simple as taking the garbage cans to the street every week without a reminder or being on time when you go out together.)

5. If there’s one thing we could shift , change or improve that would make us so much more loving and better as a couple, what would that be?

(Remember not to get defensive. Honestly ask from a place of wanting to improve yourself and your relationship.)

The idea is to open yourself to honest, transparent discussions that touch each of your souls and allow your love and connection to grow deeper.

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When couples try to improve their love making life, they tend to make some mistakes and make their love making effort worse. 

Read on to find out what 7 love making mistakes most couples tend too make:

Fear or Embarrass to Tell Your Partners You Want to Try New Things on Bed

The truth is, don’t let fear or embrassment hold you back. 90% of the time, if you tell your partner that you want to try new things on bed, you would be suprise that they too want badly to try new ideas. However, like you, they are either embarrassed or fear of asking. 

There are many different ways of bringing variety to enhance your sex life without being too vulgar, dangerous or werid. This way, you know that your partner will feel comfortable and if this work for you, it will work for your partner too.

Begging or Trying to Convince Your Partner to Make Love

When your partner “isn’t in the mood” or perhaps doesn’t have enough energy, your chances of convincing him to have sex isn’t very high. 

The absolute best time to have the best sex ever is when a person is sexually aroused…(duh!) everybody knows that…but do you know why? When aroused, the body produce a chemical ’adrenaline’ into the blood stream which provides them with the energy to have sex. This is how you can get your partner aroused…

Women: Between 9am and 10am in the morning, men’s testosterone is at it’s highest. You can dress up sexily or be totally naked and stroke his penis sensually. Watch how fast he will make passionate love with you. 

Men: Look into her eyes and be passionate when you kiss her lips. Touching her face while kissing her will increase arousal. Give her your full attention when you kiss her neck, take quality time to embrace her and don’t rush. 

So Eager to Enjoy Sexual Intercourse That You Neglect Foreplay

Foreplay will intensify your orgasms. It is important to note that it you will actually enjoy your intercourse. So build up towards it instead of rushing it. Take your time to caress, kiss, lick, rub and suck. SLOW DOWN…and tease! Make your partner wild and crazy by playfully teasing them!

Play some games to heighten anticipation. Know and pay attention to what your partner really like so that you can do some now and save some for later. 

Using Porno & Sex Toys to Make Sex Better

It is a mistake to think that watching erotic videos and buying werid plastic gadgets will make sex more enjoyable. This is a wrong thinking! Of course, sex toys do make it more enjoyable but relying on them is a big no-no because they are “outside source” which will not leave you satisfied or fulfilled if that was what you lack in the first place. 

You want to let your partner look forward to havingg intimacy with you, not your sex toys or videos. So learn to please each other with your bodies and introduce the sex toys as a bonus!

Thinking a Woman Will Orgasm Only From Intercourse

Men don’t realize that most women can’t reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Just knowing this is very liberating for a man. Gentlemen, master the art of cunnilingus.

Trying to Orgasm at The Same Time Is Over-Rated!

Focus first on the woman’s orgasm. Men save the better feeling positions for later, as you should focus on your lady’s satisfaction first and foremost. This increases your chances of both of you climaxing and being fully satisfied and fulfilled together.

Having The Same Routine

Forget the drill: Clothes off, in and out for a few minutes, bada-bing bada-boom it’s over!

No matter how phenomenal sex can be, the same thing will inevitably get boring! It is very bad for your relationship when it becomes “routine”.

“The BEST WAY to protect your love life and precious connection with your partner is to have lots of new lovemaking ideas ready at your disposal. That’s the secret. In fact, when you have an abundance of NEW tips and techniques ready, you’ll enjoy more hot, steamy and passionate lovemaking, discover newfound enthusiasm to make love and even make love more often.”