I attended a social excursion, recently, wherein I was put on notice by a friend with “you want me to be completely honest with you? Well here goes . . .” Not only did this make me nervous, I braced myself for a barrage, and my fears came true, as a barrage of insulting conjecture came flying forth with a fierceness, I had not yet experienced with my friend.

Often times, couples will come into my office, with a chasm between them seemingly a lifetime long. They display and report hurt and distance and fear and distrust. They go round and round and argue utilizing the same phrases and statements, and tell me these are the same arguments they have at home. Repetitive. Unproductive.

When it is time for apologies, they are often cerebral exercises, “I am sorry” typically stated by the husband and the response is typically the wife stating, “yes, I’ve heard all this before.”

There is often follow up questioning, typically by the wife “but why, why did you do it in the first place?” and there is the husband’s typical come back “I am sorry, I won’t do it again.”

Sometimes, these conversations or variations of this conversation occur over and over, session after session. Sometimes, ultimately, the repetitious feedback loop with alter and new information will be divulged, perhaps something like . . . “I’m sorry, I did it because, I didn’t want to be around you . . . that’s why.”

At this point in the session, the other party, often the wife, will frequently cry at the new revelation.

This is where the entire dynamic changes.

I observe an entire shift in the relationship dynamic, right before my very eyes. The husband, typically observing the tears, will begin to shift endlessly in his seat, talk compulsively, look away, and will appear to become extraordinarily uncomfortable.

When I ask him the standard therapeutic question, “what is going on for you right now?” He’ll often reply, “I have no idea what to do . . . when she cries . . . I can’t fix it.” Upon further probing from me, the rationale often whittles down to “I feel . . . helpless.”

So, the alternative? Save the wife from hurting, save the husband from feeling helpless, alter, conceal, or omit the truth.

This plan of relationship survival comes into my office over and over. It’s often unconscious and takes awhile to uncover. It’s inception is noble . . . saving someone’s feelings from hurt. Who wouldn’t think this logic charitable? Unfortunately, the outcome is far different than the intended. The unfortunate impact, I’ve observed, is a decay in trust. The wife wonders if her husband has ever been honest with her, causes her to ask herself if she’s just a fool, feels shut out of husband’s inner world, and the husband feels more and more criticized by his wife – despite his best intentions!

An antidote? Honesty.

Not the aforementioned type of honesty, at the beginning of this article. Brutal honesty is far different than emotional honesty, taking personal responsibility kind of honesty, revealing oneself, kind of honesty . . . this self revelatory, real, intimacy- building kind of honesty may, at times, wound the other person. It will not destroy the other person.

Brutal honesty tends to come out in a blast, accusatory, full of intensity, sometimes in anger, and tends to induce the desire to move away. It can be experienced as criticism.  Emotional honesty tends to come out softer, full of emotion, tentative, and induce the feeling of compassion in the other person. Despite the benefits of emotional honesty, it appears to be the most difficult to achieve.

This level of honesty requires the ability to tolerate being uncomfortable for a little while, to accept one may not be able to fix it, in the moment, or spare one’s spouse pain. It means allowing one’s spouse to have their own feelings.

The deep traumatic pain individuals tend to disclose is typically related to abandonment and betrayal. These tend to be the most intense, unbearables in intimate relationships. Honesty about one’s inner experience is not something typically reported in therapy as ultimately destructive to marriages.

Sharing the complete self can lead to an intimacy deeper than ever imagined, can strengthen the compassion, can lead to a profound understanding of one another . . . and isn’t that ultimately, what we all crave . . . to be heard and understood?

View the original article here

One thing we’ve discovered about love, relationships, marriage and how to stay in love is…

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident…

In fact, it’s true about not only your relationships, but everything in life…

A great anything does not happen by accident…

Take couples who “fall in love” and “stay in love” for example…

What we’ve found is that “falling in love” and “staying in love” are two different things.

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the question is…

How do they do it?

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what most couples can’t seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over.

Here are a few..

Secret # 1

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other differently than couples who are headed for divorce court…

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but they also use different words than the rest of us when they talk to each other….

They use “magic words” that seem to help open their partner instead of shut him or her down–

They use words that keep their partner interested instead of bored–

In any relationship, what we’ve found is that words can wound and words can heal.

We’ve found that the right words truly can make all the difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship becomes a divorce or breakup statistic–

That’s why we’ve put together a collection of the best words you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love or even rebuild a love that’s faded over time.

We call these “Magic Relationship Words.”

Secret #2

Couples who “fall in love” AND “stay in love” over a long period of time “ditch competition.”

We can’t tell you how many times we’ve seen it in our Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples…

Couples compete with each other about big and small things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or marriage and they are left wondering…

Why?

The reason is simple:

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a relationship between couples who are intimate partners or married.

If you doubt whether this is true or not…

Try this…

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse have a friendly little competition about anything, when
you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question:

“Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do I feel distant and more disconnected?”

We’re willing to bet that you’ll feel more disconnected if there is any kind of competition between the two of you.

Of all the people we have ever worked with personally and those who have gone through our “Should You Stay
or Should You Go?” program for deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship, not one of these people has ever said to us…

“I feel like we’re really on the same team here–we’re splitting up!”

It just doesn’t happen.

Here’s the Susie and Otto rule for this:

In order to “stay in love,” make sure that you and your partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team.

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are just too great if you don’t.

Secret # 3

Couples who “fall in love” AND “Stay in Love” remind themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other.

Just last night, Susie asked Otto…

“What do you most appreciate about me?”

To many people, it may seem kind of silly for a couple who’s been together as long as we’ve been together to be telling each other what we appreciate about each other all the time.

But it works–

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the difference it makes in your relationship.

Simply say to your partner:

“Something I really appreciate about you is____________”

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or appreciate about him or her.

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a relationship or marriage.

As you may know, we just came out with a brand new program specifically for women who want to know whether their man is lying to them or cheating. It’s called, “Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire: How To Tell If Your Man Is A Cheating Liar.

While we were putting together this program, we couldn’t help but think about how much less frequently this would occur in relationships if both men and women appreciated each other more.

Please know that we’re not naive enough to think that in all cases simply “appreciating each other more” will solve all your relationship ills.

We’re not suggesting that at all.

What we are saying is that it’s been our experience that when you tell your partner, spouse or lover how much you like, love and appreciate him or her in specific ways on a regular basis, –your relationship really sings.

View the original article here

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident…

In fact, it’s true about not only your relationships, but everything in life…

A great anything does not happen by accident…

Take couples who “fall in love” and “stay in love” for example…

What we’ve found is that “falling in love” and “staying in love” are two different things.

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the question is…

How do they do it?

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what most couples can’t seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the relationship is over.

We’re going to share a few of those secrets with you today…

Secret # 1

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other differently than couples who are headed for divorce court…

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but they also use different words than the rest of us when they talk to each other….

They use “magic words” that seem to help open their partner instead of shut him or her down–

They use words that keep their partner interested instead of bored–

In any relationship, what we’ve found is that words can wound and words can heal.

We’ve found that the right words truly can make all the difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship becomes a divorce or breakup statistic–

That’s why we’ve put together a collection of the best words you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love or even rebuild a love that’s faded over time.

We call these “Magic Relationship Words.”

And if you’d like to have our collection of 101 of these magic words and phrases to help you say it right with your
partner, you can download them here… http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com

Secret #2

Couples who “fall in love” AND “stay in love” over a long period of time “ditch competition.”

We can’t tell you how many times we’ve seen it in our Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples…

Couples compete with each other about big and small things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or marriage and they are left wondering…

Why?

The reason is simple:

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a relationship between couples who are intimate partners or married.

If you doubt whether this is true or not…

Try this…

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse have a friendly little competition about anything, when you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question:

“Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do I feel distant and more disconnected?”

We’re willing to bet that you’ll feel more disconnected if there is any kind of competition between the two of you.

Of all the people we have ever worked with personally and those who have gone through our “Should You Stay
or Should You Go?” program for deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship.

Not one of these people has ever said to us…

“I feel like we’re really on the same team here–we’re splitting up!”

It just doesn’t happen.

Here’s the Susie and Otto rule for this:

In order to “stay in love,” make sure that you and your partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team.

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are just too great if you don’t.

Secret # 3

Couples who “fall in love” AND “Stay in Love” remind themselves and each other regularly about what they like, love and appreciate about each other.

Just last night, Susie asked Otto…

“What do you most appreciate about me?”

To many people, it may seem kind of silly for a couple who’s been together as long as we’ve been together to be telling each other what we appreciate about each other all the time.

But it works–

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the difference it makes in your relationship.

Simply say to your partner:

“Something I really appreciate about you is____________”

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or appreciate about him or her.

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a relationship or marriage.

As you may know, we just came out with a brand new program specifically for women who want to know whether their man is lying to them or cheating.

While we were putting together this program, we couldn’t help but think about how much less frequently this would occur in relationships if both men and women appreciated each other more.

Please know that we’re not naive enough to think that in all cases simply “appreciating each other more” will solve all your relationship ills.

We’re not suggesting that at all.

What we are saying is that it’s been our experience that when you tell your partner, spouse or lover how much you like, love and appreciate him or her in specific ways on a regular basis, –your relationship really sings.

View the Original article

Cheating is not always about having the money to entice a person to sleep with you, it’s about lust and fulfilling fantasies, it’s a complicated issue. Men aren’t alone when it comes to infidelity. Wives are also cheating on their husbands more than ever. So what are some of the common causes of cheating, and how they can be avoided:

LACK OF SEXUAL INTIMACY

If you and your spouse have stopped being intimate with each other, or if you decreased the frequency of your intimacy, then your personal relationship is going to suffer. Sex is an integral part of a marriage. It is a way to share something with each other that is personal and loving, and the connection that you share during sex creates a deeper connection between the two of you that extends to all areas of your life. Maintain excitement between the two of you by integrating foreplay into your everyday lives. Call your husband at work, and tell him how eager you are to be with him tonight. Leave a naughty note in your wife’s car before she leaves for work. Wear lingerie, light candles burn incense. Hold hands. When you have been with someone for many years, sometimes you forget that it is the little things that make the biggest difference.

LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Married couples develop a silent form of communication between one another, but you can’t eliminate verbal communication from a relationship altogether. Couples who co-exist as if they were roommates are at risk for losing the friendship side of their relationship. Talk to your spouse about your day; make it a dinner-time ritual. After dinner, don’t park in front of the television. Find the joy of just sitting together; sharing your thoughts and innermost feelings.

SEXUAL ADDICTION

Sexual addiction is one of the worst afflictions that a married person can possess. Someone with a sexual addiction craves different sexual partners and lots of sex, and it can be as hard an addiction to conquer as drinking or drug use. Sexual addiction can be hard to understand and very hard to forgive because when someone cheats on you, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.

MID-LIFE CRISIS AFFAIRS AND LIFESTYLE CHANGES

The severity of a mid-life crisis varies from person to person. Some men buy a fast sports car, some women rush out for plastic surgery, and some men and women stray from their relationships, often looking for a younger sexual partner to add some spice to their life. Remind them how much you love them, and be willing to be adventurous together. Instead of dreading aging, embrace and enjoy it together.

Arguments come from having different points of views, brought out in louder voices. Therefore discussions can replace arguments and have the same impact. Then, why do people still argue?

Because people think that someone is trying to challenge them. When it comes to perspectives, people hate to be challenged. They feel that their pride, their intelligence is at stake, and thus put a high value at winning the conversation, and that leads to arguments as voices are raised. All these can be avoided with the right mindset.

Good communication has to take place if the relationship is to remain healthy. It consists of being honest, placing the person you love above the conversation, and knowing and valuing your own views. Good communication has to be part of a good life.

To curb arguments, we have to look at the roots of why they happen.

First, people are not 100% sure of how they feel. That is very common. Not everyone knows 100% of all the issues they know. Therefore, not right knowing your feelings, you barged into the topic and sense a fear of failure, and then you raised your voice to sound stronger.

Second, most people can’t speak very well. Therefore, they fail to find the right words in line with their feelings. This is a problem of language proficiency and speaking inadequacy. This is rife, but usually is not a major cause for concern.

And then some hold back their words for fear of provoking the other. This can be sensed by the other person, and will create tension because they feel you are suspicious of something but dare not voice it out.

Here are some tips. Be frank with yourself and the other person and do not hold back. If this is not the case, nothing good will come out of the conversation if you have unsolved issues just because you did not voice them. Speak softly at all times, even when the other is yelling. Communication is not about who’s voice is louder. Identify your views, and think of how best to voice them out. Always remember to be approachable, and stay that way so that people will know you are someone they can be straight with.

Are you someone who is faced with bad holidays? Those in which some relatives from “whats-that-place” come over to visit and ask questions you least like to answer? They ask whether you have a girlfriend or if you plan to get married in a year. They ask why you are still single and laugh over it. Man! You feel like kicking them out of the door! Well, violence do not solve the problems. It just kicks them away and they will come back to you in the next holiday. There are some solutions you can apply to ease them.

The first way is to be very nice to them. Praise them. People enjoy being praised and thereafter will rarely say things to make you displeased. Praise their hairstyle even though you may not like it. Say they have a unique fashion taste. Give lots of praise. The Chinese say people will not find the overly polite person unpleasant.

“Winning by losing”. Whatever that they say to upset you, just agree with it. If you try to debate, it will never end. If they say you cannot get a girl because of your weight or other stuff, just nod or say “I agree. Since you say so, you must be right”. Your chosen “losing” ends the fight prematurely and saves you loads of time and other people’s crap.

Don’t try to dress up. Just dress the way you normally do. If you dress up just to look nicer to your relatives, it is a sign of weakness. Just forget about looking good. It also carries across another message: “I do not give a damn about you and what you are going to say to upset me.”

Initiate a positive, light bond when a new boyfriend or girlfriend comes to a holiday dinner with your family, friends and relatives. Before hand, tell whoever that is going to be present in the holiday good stuff about him or her. At the event, talk about a topic that is going to involve everyone and make it fun. Show appreciation for everything that has gone into the party and openly tell people how much you have enjoyed the event. That will show you are a nice and appreciative person.

Set up a goal or agenda for this coming holiday. Whatever the relationships in your extended family is like, if you resolve to enjoy it, no one can ever stop you.In this way, if you sense that an argument is going to go the heated way, you can give an excuse and just walk away from it. That will suit your resolve to be happy on that event. Given a not-perfect relationships from your relatives, you can only be happy if you want to be.

Since the reasons for couples breaking up are too many to list, I would still try to list the main reasons most break up occur, so you did be able to avoid them, keep your love alive and never have to go through the pain of breaking up or struggling to get your ex back.

The little things

One of the major reasons for couple to build up anger and fustraton are what we usually call “the little things”. Most couple find themselves arguing about the small everyday things that annoy and aggravate you to the point of an argument. The little things could be anything, from the way he eats, the way she talk to your mum, the toliet seat…anything!

Fortunately, these are things that are easy to straighten out by just talking to each other. 

Unfaithfulness

This is a huge one. One of the major assumption while getting together as a couple is for you to trust each other and to keep exclusively loyal, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

Getting intimate with someone else would easily become an issue of trust and faithfulness. Getting intimate with another person is call cheating also mean betraying, an act that smash the trust you had for each other.

Unfaithfulness is a fatal mistake, avoid it at all costs.

Disputes

For a couple, arguments are normal. There will always be a reason to argue. But no matter what the argument is, take a deep breath and look at the bigger picture. Are you really arguing at the problem at hand or is it a way to express your frustrations cause by other issues. Is there something deep down that is bothering you? If so, try to talk things over and use communication to address the real reason for fustration. 

Boredom

Time has a tendency to dull the excitement of the relationship. One of you or even both of you could find out the fun is gone, the passion, the thrill… they have all decreased.

Keeping up the flame is not easy and requires constant effort. Keep trying to surprise your partner, be playful, innovative – so you’d never get to the point you stop enjoying each others company.

5. Overpowering the other

Too much of anything or too little of anything, both are harmful. You obviously care about your partner but don’t overdo it.

Being a couple does not mean you own each other. Both of you are entitled to your freedom, your friends, making your own decisions and choices – these are the building blocks of your unique personalities. Being over controlling would be limiting therefore irritating and maybe a cause for conflicts leading to break ups.

As you may see the major reasons couples break up are avoidable. A bit of effort, some consciousness and care for each other could go a long way to prevent you from breaking up.

If you’re already separated you may want to think back and ask yourself “Which one of these things am I guilty of?”

… At least you’d be able to avoid these fatal mistakes the next time around.