As much as Tiger Woods probably doesn’t want to be in the news again about his failed marriage to his wife Elin, it was inevitable. Since their divorce became final recently, Elin told her story in People magazine.

Something she said in the article struck a common chord that we’ve heard from many people after their relationship breakups…

When asked about what she felt when she first learned of Tiger’s betrayal, here’s what she said…

“I felt stupid as more things were revealed–how could I not have known anything?…I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived.”

Maybe you weren’t cheated on but you just didn’t see who this person was when you got together–or maybe he or she changed as time went along.

The other day, a young woman told us that after her breakup and after her ex did something very despicable to her in retaliation, she felt ashamed that she didn’t see the kind of person he was and leave him earlier–or better yet, not get in a relationship with him at all.

If you’ve had similar feelings of shame after a breakup–that you didn’t see it coming and now you feel like you can’t trust yourself and your judgment–here are 3 ways to help you look at your situation differently…

1. Don’t look at your relationship that broke up as a failure

We know that sounds a bit like “woo woo” thinking but here’s the thing…You can choose to look at your relationship as a miserable failure and feel sorry for yourself, thinking you’re no good at relationships…

Or you can put it all in perspective, stand back and see what you learned.

In Elin and Tiger’s case, Elin herself said that she was completely focused on her children during this time. In saying that, it’s certainly not an excuse for what he did during the marriage nor is it to say that a mother shouldn’t be focused on her children. But it’s also not surprising that she didn’t see what he was doing.

If you’ve been in a similar situation and now look back on it, you may have learned to pay attention to little clues of the possibility of cheating, even though there were no big huge flashing lights to indicate it.

2. Look at how you are stronger than you thought you were

Most people who have gone through a breakup or divorce, including Elin, have discovered they are stronger than they thought they were. If you’ve suffered a breakup, you’ve probably felt emotionally lows and possibly loneliness that you never thought you’d possibly be able to endure. But you did. Give yourself credit for coming through it–even if you don’t think you have GONE through it. Say to yourself, “I’m here in this present moment” and keep saying it when you start sliding back to how you felt when it first happened.

Acknowledge that you can take one step and then another toward a better life–and that that’s exactly what you’ve done.

3. Start trusting yourself on the little things.

If you don’t trust yourself after a break-up, start noticing ways you ARE trusting yourself–in small ways. Even though you may not trust yourself to choose a new and better partner, begin practicing by noticing when you have made a decision that turned out to be good for you and your family. Maybe it’s something as simple as remembering to pay a bill on time, or maybe it’s a decision about your kids’ education–whatever it is, start noticing when you do it right.

Also notice any red flags you get when something doesn’t feel right–when you want to say “no” to something and you actually do it. Practice finding out where that “no” is coming from inside your body, the reasons you’re saying “no” and then appreciating yourself for listening. Again, it might be something very simple–and it doesn’t matter. Just start learning how to trust yourself again.

Going through a breakup is never easy and when shame comes up for you, it can be even harder. Don’t get stuck in the shame. Find ways to start loving again–yourself included.

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“Will I always be alone?” and other fears that stand in your way of healing from a breakup or divorce

After a breakup or divorce, there may be countless troubling thoughts that cross your mind. These may pertain to what you perceive happened and they may also involve your worries about your present situation and the future ahead.

“Will I always be alone?”
“Am I doomed to attract men (or women) who cheat?”
“How will I manage on my own?”
“Can I take care of my kids all by myself?”
“Will I be able to pay the bills with just my paycheck?”
“Will anyone ever want to date me given my age/position in life/looks,etc.?”

It’s likely that many of these thoughts, as well as others that may be coming up for you, are upsetting or fearful ones. It is understandable that, with all of the uncertainty that may be happening for you, you are feeling anxious and apprehensive.

The fact of the matter is, as natural as it is to feel the way that you are feeling and to think the thoughts that you are thinking, fear, worry and anxiety are not going to help you heal.

As might already know, fear mostly keeps you stuck right where you are. Anxiety freezes you in place and makes it nearly impossible to move forward with your life. In addition to this, when you stay in a place of fear and worry for an extended period of time, you can literally become sick!

Continued and prolonged anxiety and fear– and the stress that results– can negatively affect your sleeping and eating habits as well as your overall immune, digestive and even cardiovascular systems.

What you probably want most of all is to feel better. You may desperately wish to be rid of your fears and worries and to finally feel more like yourself again.

Here are some tips to help…

#1: Know your fears.

As much as you’d like to pretend that you aren’t feeling the way that you’re feeling or that those troubling thoughts aren’t rambling through your mind, you can’t just stuff them down or ignore them.

Just as you can’t ignore a boiling kettle of water, your feelings will continue to intensify even if you attempt to distract yourself or even numb yourself with food, alcohol, drugs or other things.

What can move you closer to being freed from your fears is to truly know them and face them.

This doesn’t mean that you have to center your whole life around your worry that you’ll forever be alone and unloved, for example. What it does mean is that you recognize it when you feel afraid, worried, angry, sad, or whatever it is that you are feeling.

Create space so that you can let those emotions move through you. If you need to talk with a trusted friend, coach or counselor, then do that. If you want to write in your journal, sit and cry or find a private place to yell and scream, do that.

Find ways to release your emotions that do not hurt you or another person.

#2: Question your thoughts.

The trick with facing your feelings is not to get stuck where you are.

You can easily become fixated on a conversation you had with your ex, an old letter you received from him or her long ago or a series of events that happened in the past. Get into the habit of questioning your thoughts so that you can keep releasing and healing.

Even as you let out your feelings in whatever way you are drawn to do so, be aware of the thoughts that you are thinking.

If, for example, you find yourself thinking something like, “All the people I date eventually cheat on me,” stop right there.

This might have been the case for some of your relationships in the past, but was it actually the case for all of them? If it was the case that ALL of your past partners cheated on you, do you know with 100% certainty that your future partners will have affairs?

Don’t let yourself continue to think thoughts that may not really be accurate or true.

What you’ll probably find is that the more you question your thoughts, the more you are left with just your raw emotions. This is okay… actually it’s a good sign.

From there, you can return to letting out your feelings and soothing yourself along the way.

#3: Bring your focus back to what you DO want.

The thing that people who feel broken-hearted often forget is that they get to choose what they focus upon in any one moment. None of us are at the mercy of our thoughts and emotions– as long as we remember and act upon that knowledge.

Now, this can seem challenging because you probably do not want to focus on how sad or distraught you feel
that your relationship has ended and your partner is no longer in your life the way that he or she used to be.

Your inclination might be to push aside those feelings and try to distract yourself, and, as we said above, this is not advisable.

Take the time to let those feelings flow. Take the time to question your thoughts AND, take the time to shift your focus.

There are spaces in between the tears and the anger and that is the place where you can bring your focus back to what you DO want for yourself.

This might mean that you daydream about the kind of relationship you want to have in the future. It may involve you exploring new interests, sports, hobbies or activities. It could be that you re-connect with old friends and family too.

Give yourself permission to discover a new life for yourself– one that may include some sadness, but one that also involves you pointing in the direction of the happier, more satisfied life that you want.

View the original article here

One of the major causes of breakups  in relationships is a break down in communication.

Looking back on the affect that communication has on relationships, there is an aspect of communication that bears looking at when wanting to build your relationship.

Every person on this planet  starts life as a child, and as a child they develop all the characteristics and communication style of a child – relating to their parents.
This communication style is primarily emotion and feeling based because feelings are the first ‘operating system’ each person has.

As the child grows older they begin to develop the adult style of communication.They have developed the child style, and by observing their parents relating with them, they have subconsciously picked up on the parent style, so in effect, the last communication style they learn about is the adult style.

As an adult, we can consciously, or subconsciously, ’switch’ between the three different communicating styles or ways of relating with the people around us.

Now, here is the interesting part: if a someone speaks to another in, for example, the ‘parent’ style of communicating, it can trigger, almost automatically the ‘child’ in that person. Likewise, if an adult speaks to a child in an emotion-based way, it would not be a surprise then, that the child responds to the emotions and does not really hear or ‘listen’ to the message.

Taking all of this into consideration, it would be no surprise that even as adults, a couple’s communication can come undone if one or the other is always triggering the other person’s child or parent, by expressing their words emotionally or by taking ‘charge’.

Effective communication is only arrived at through talking adult to adult, sharing thoughts and ideas that impact on the relationship itself.

Of course, when both parties agree, it is ok for them to be playful – child to child, or when it is necessary, when one or the other needs nurturing or taking care of – parent to ‘child’, but for most of the time, the relationship will grow best adult to adult.

Healthy communication between two people is what builds a long, loving, lasting intimate relationship.

Knowing HOW you communicate can be the beginning of understanding your communication style and how you can make it work for you and the relationships you have with the people you care about.

Admittedly, being able to communicate well is absolutely essential when living with others, and is also one of the hardest skills for anyone to master.

Good communication also encompasses attributes like openness, honesty, trust and respect, which I would like to look at in relation to communication and relationship breakdowns, but there is not enough room here to cover this, so I will continue in my next article…

As we all know, prevention is better than cure, but even if your relationship has disintegrated to the point of relationship breakup or breakdown, a regaining of understanding and forgiveness can bring you both back together again.

If you and your love have broken up and want to get back together, then there is help for you.
For more information about causes of relationship breakups, and how to rebuild your relationship again, I can recommend this book“The Magic of Making Up”, written by a guy who has helped thousands

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In the days following a spilt, you will go through many emotions. You will feel sad and lose all hope of a future with the man you love. This sadness may turn to hopelessness is you think of him finding someone else. These are thoughts you must fight off. The best way to do this is by thinking of yourself and your needs. Dwelling on the past will only drag you down. As hard as it may be you have to show the world that you are a positive, self confident person. No one wants to be around someone that is feeling self pity and always complaining. Take an interest in helping others by doing volunteer work. Seeing the troubles others have can make yours seem insignificant.

You should take renewed interest in your job, or find a better one. This will be a confidence builder for you. Your ex will hear of the way you are handling the breakup and have renewed respect for you. Everyone loves a winner, an the way you are conducting your life will make him aware of the quality woman he let get away. If you are sill interested in getting your ex back, do not try to make him jealous by dating someone else. This could ruin all of the good work you have done to build your confidence and image. Using someone else as a tool to get what you want will eventually cause you to hurt them and you will lose the self esteem you have built.

You should go out and have fun, but do it with your girlfriends. Always look your best when you go out, in case you run into your ex. If you do run into him, treat him like an old friend. This will make him feel as if you have gotten over him and will make him see that he still is in love with you. This will put him into the position of wanting to win his ex back. This is what you have been working for, but do not be too available to him. Make him work to get you back and do not ever lose your self esteem again. Always make him aware of the quality woman he is in love with.

If this is the man for you, don’t give up. There are proven methods to make him love you like never before.

Bad mistakes can ruin your relationship for good. To avoid these fatal mistakes, you need proven steps to get your ex boyfriend back and keep him. What you should and shouldn’t do can be found at this Helpful Site.

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In  my last article, I touched on the concepts of the different communication styles of child, parent and adult. So, what do these styles ‘look’ like?

Starting with the child: this style is emotion based. When a baby is born, they have very little experience to draw from and therefore all their communication is based on feeling; feeling hunger, feeling wet and uncomfortable, feeling pain, feeling cold, hot, warm, feeling comforted, feeling safe etc.

As a child grows they learn more from what they see and what they experience and can then reason more, but initially they react to their surroundings and things and what is happening.

Every child needs a parent, so this is the next style someone is ‘exposed’ to. This is learnt by observing and being involved on the other side of the interaction. The parenting style is more about teaching, guiding, nurturing, placing boundaries, and simply giving instructions in order to teach and protect their child.

Lastly, as we all eventually grow up (smile), we learn an adult style of communicating. This is when we can express ideas, thoughts, and negotiate with someone in a way that preserves each person’s boundaries and respect, and come to a solution acceptable to both parties. Using the adult style of communicating means that the communicator chooses their response.

So, briefly, a child reacts, a parent guides, and an adult responds. The difference between reacting and responding is that a reaction is automatic – like a knee-jerk reaction and a response is a thought out choosing of how someone deals with what has happened and what they want to do about it. It is measured  action, rather than an instant reaction.

Lets look at an example to show these three styles.

Lets say the subject is choice of clothing for an event:

Child: Wants to wear the first colorful garment they see, whether it is appropriate for the outing and weather or not. If thwarted in their desire to wear a particular article, they will react in a number of different ways – shout, sulk, stomp, cry, or allow themselves to be distracted. Can be reasoned with when given a choice. Happy to wear skirt on her head, or shorts on his head!

Parent: Can gauge the weather and knows that this is an event where casual clothes will be good; going to a family picnic at the beach and the sun is bright. Gives child choice of light long sleeve t-shirt and board shorts and sun hat in two different colours – “You can wear this or that, you can choose” – very helpful to give a child an option so that they have some control over what they wear, then they have ‘chosen’ it within the boundaries Mum or Dad have set. Parent knows what style of clothing to wear and what they need to consider when thinking about the conditions.

Adult: Thinks for themselves. They know they need to wear clothing that will protect them from the sun, that will cover themselves appropriately for setting and the company they will be in. From past experience they have learnt what is acceptable in a family setting and would not show up in an evening gown or tux. If they are part of a couple, they might share what they each plan to wear and agree to color co-ordinate, and /or they would discuss what might be appropriate for weather conditions etc before making their decision on what to wear.

The child speaks from their emotions, where as the parent while still partially emotion-based has a more measured approach like that of the adult, and is thinking ahead for the child, guiding and teaching, setting the boundaries to teach and protect their child.

The adult speaks calmly having thought out what they are trying to convey in way that is easy to understand. They hear what is said and choose their response, where a child will simply react. An adult will seek to understand the message by using active listening skills and feedback techniques, where as a child is more an observer albeit a poor interpreter of what happens around them and what they hear. They also experience everything literally, where an adult can understand figurative concepts.

Adults readily look for a WIN-WIN situation when negotiating whereas a child is only thinking of ME.
Generally a child is not really willing to compromise, a parent shows how compromise works, usually provides two options, but has the final say and an adult looks to find a solution that is acceptable to both parties.

Knowing this can help you decide how you operate in different situations and help you understand some of the dynamics of your communicating style with your partner. Once you can see what is happening and why, it is simple to find a solution, if it needs fixing.

As we all know, prevention is better than cure, but even if your relationship has disintegrated to the point of relationship breakup or breakdown, a regaining of understanding and forgiveness can bring you both back together again. The first step is communicating ….

If you and you love have broken up and want to get back together, then there is help for you.
For more information about causes of relationship breakups, and how to rebuild your relationship again, I can recommend this book“The Magic of Making Up”, written by a guy who has helped thousands

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Knowing and recognizing the different steps for what they are can help you move through the process a little easier. Each stage is necessary so you can heal, be whole and able to find love again some day. Don’t try to shrotcut the steps, just remember that after you’ve gone through each step you will be on the road to feeling stronger.

There is no time limit for how long each step should take to get through. How long it takes will depend on a lot of things such as how secure you are in yourself and what type of a support system you have.

Here are the 5 major steps in a relationship breakup:

1) Pain. This will often hit hard and fast. At first the pain can be diminished somewhat by a feeling of disbelief but once that passes the pain can seem unbearable. This is a physical pain. You might not be able to eat or sleep. Everything seems like too much effort. You just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone.

2) Denial. This is the step when you start thinking that it is all a big mistake and surely your ex will realize it very soon and the two of you will be back together. That can be a dangerous way to think. It is important that you try to move through this stage as quickly as possible. Lingering too long in this stage can really make it harder to heal and move on.

3) Anger. This is when all your fear and hurt turns to anger. You are outraged that someone who claimed to love you could hurt you so deeply. This stage is very destructive and hurtful to both parties and if you’re not careful how you handle this stage you migh sabotage any chances you have of getting back together.

It’s also important to make sure you don’t become overly bitter. If you let that bitterness grow too strong it could follow you into other relationships making it harder to ever having a fulfilling relationship again.

4) Grieving. At this stage you will mourn your lost relationship. You will often spend a lot of time reminiscing about all the good times the two of you had shared. It is very important to keep a close watch on your mental health during this stage.

If you ever feel like ‘killing yourself’ make sure you seek help immediately. It is impossible to believe while going through this but you really will love again, if you allow yourself to.

5) Acceptance. You will finally reach a point where you realize it’s over. You are stronger and better able to start thinking more about your future and less about your past. This time can be bittersweet: you’ve realized and dealt with the fact that your relationship is over which is sad, but you’re also excited about new opportunities and convinced you will find love again.

The more you know about the emotional stages of a relationship breakup and how to deal with them the easier and quicker you can move on from living in the past to a bright new future. Just make sure you understand that this is all normal and it will get better, just hang in there.

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