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Making the decision to meet a date in-person for the first time can be exciting. It’s also a great opportunity to revisit the common-sense practices that will give you the confidence and comfort you need to make sure your date goes off without a hitch.

Whenever you’re meeting someone new there are important guidelines to remember.

1. Meet in Public – Whether you have met a person on or off-line, never accept an offer to be picked up at your house and never agree to meet them at their house or hotel room. First dates should always be done in a public place such as a coffee house, amusement park, bowling alley or restaurant. Choose a spot that is quiet enough to get to know each other, but where there are plenty of people around in case you begin to feel uncomfortable.

2. Tell a Friend – It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, always tell at least one friend or family member where you are going and who you are meeting. Set a time when you will call them to let them know you are home safely. It’s also a good idea to casually mention to your date that your friends know where you are and who you’re with.

3. Take Your Phone – This one seems obvious. Nowadays almost everyone carries a cell phone. Some daters ask a friend to call them during the date, just to check in. You can always ignore that call, but it does give you an opportunity to step away and have a quick word if you would like a break.

4. Stay Sober – The best first dates happen when two people really get to know each other in a relaxed setting. It’s a time for sharing, listening, and determining whether you two are a good fit. Because you want to be sharp and perceptive, it’s best to avoid alcohol on a first date. If you do plan to drink, make it in moderation.

5. Take your own Car – By taking your own transportation, you are free to leave the date whenever you feel ready. It also prevents a date from knowing too soon the physical place of your home or where you work. When driving, always keep quarters in your car for parking meters and carry cab fare in the event you have car trouble or don’t feel comfortable walking to your car.

6. Protect your personal information – Anytime you’re meeting someone new and out socializing in crowded public places it’s a good practice to watch your personal items. Never leave your credit card, purse, wallet or even your drink unattended while you slip away to the restroom or to make a phone call. If you plan to order another drink, wait until you return.

It’s also a good common-sense practice when talking with a new person to keep certain information to yourself. Details about your children, where you live, work, and bank are simply not appropriate, and, of course, any interest in these details should send up an immediate red flag.

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Your undivided attention is essential to successful dating — so don’t let your phone or other gadgets get in the way. Here are three suggestions to get you started.

By now we’ve all witnessed some variation of this scene: Two people sit together in a cozy restaurant or coffee shop. At first glance it would seem obvious they are on a date. The setting is romantic. Both are dressed nicely and neatly groomed. They sit closer than mere friends or business associates are likely to do. Each appears completely absorbed in the moment, neither able to tear their eyes away from . . . a cell phone.

They are together and apart. Talking. Texting. Tweeting. Getting a stock quote or checking sports scores. Who knows?

Suddenly, it’s impossible to know by observation alone whether the two are really interested in each other or not. Could be—but what do they communicate by being so easily distracted from their chance to enjoy each other’s company? What could cause them to abandon intimate personal contact—hands touching across the table, eyes searching every nuance of her face, ears bathing in the subtle music in his voice? What could pull them out of orbit around each other and fling them back down to the routine, the mundane, the mechanical? Here’s an answer: Bad habits.

The truth is, our communication technology has advanced so far so fast that it has, in many cases, run off and left common courtesy—and even common sense—behind. Somewhere along the way we sent our electronic toys to the head of the line in our lives. If we hope to reverse that mistake and preserve the essential humanity of our relationships, then we have to put our gadgets back into proper perspective.

A good place to start is to reintroduce an old-fashioned and neglected word—etiquette. The dictionary defines it this way: “The rules and conventions governing correct or polite behavior.” Here are three suggestions to get you started:

1. Go off the grid. That’s right, turn the darn thing off for the evening. Admittedly, the mere thought will send many people into a panic attack. We’ve come to believe constant “connectedness” is essential to life as we know it—and we are wrong. Give it a try, and see for yourself. The joy of being romantically present for a few hours will far outweigh anything “out there” you might miss.

2. If you must keep the gizmo on, choose not to answer it. A phone call in the middle of a romantic evening is like a stranger tapping your shoulder on the dance floor to “cut in” on your time with someone special. How you handle the interruption will speak volumes about your true feelings for your partner. Answer your phone or respond to a text message, and you clearly convey to your date, “Something is more important than you.” A better choice is to ignore the words coming from your phone and focus on the words coming from your partner’s mouth.

3. If you absolutely must pick up, excuse yourself and talk at a distance. You wouldn’t carry on a prolonged, exclusive conversation with another person in the presence of someone you cared about. People who do so are widely considered rude and boorish. Talking on the phone, instead of in person, is no better.

When you are with your partner, put your best foot—and mind—forward by spending uninterrupted time with someone who could become the most captivating aspect of your life.

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Moving a relationship from the “just dating” phase to the next level can feel like a round of “Whack-a-mole.”

That’s a popular arcade game in which the player stands in front of a machine with a flat top the size of a small kitchen table. Periodically, automated moles pop their heads out of one of half a dozen holes in the surface. The object of the game is to bop them on the head with an oversized mallet before they disappear again. The faster you swing, the more they pop up and down. Sounds easy enough; but moles are quick little rodents. Just when you think you’ve got one in your sights—you don’t.

If this reminds you of your romantic relationship—a constant game of “catch-me-if-you-can”—then you may be involved with someone who suffers from commitment phobia. Maybe you are that person. Whether you’re hiding in the holes or holding the hammer wishing your partner would just stand still for a second, this article is for you. Here are four things you need to know:

Commitment phobia is often misdiagnosed. “Phobia” is a word that carries a negative connotation, implying irrational, even neurotic, fear. But you should be careful before accusing your partner, or yourself, of being “afraid” to commit. Cautious deliberation when making a decision with life-long implications is not necessarily irrational or fearful. Sometimes it is the most prudent thing to do. Does double-checking your parachute before jumping out of a plane make you acrophobic? Certainly not.

Commitment phobia flares up when “what next?” comes up too soon. If you or your partner feel unsettled at the idea of settling down, it may signal nothing more than the need to let more time go by before considering an exclusive relationship. Rushing to nail down your future together may paradoxically poison it—if the time is not yet right. Remember, just because one of you feels ready now doesn’t mean the other should as well. Each of us must arrive at life-changing decisions in our own time.

Commitment phobia can signal unresolved pain in a person’s past. When a relationship takes longer to develop than we’d like, we often respond in frustration, swinging the hammer harder than ever. That is unlikely to help, especially when the reason for reluctance is a still-tender emotional wound one of you is shielding from further injury. If a previous commitment went bad, it may take an extra helping of compassion and understanding—easy on the accusations—before you are ready to try again.

Commitment phobia is sometimes exactly what it seems—a dodge. When all other options have been considered and discarded, what’s left may be an unpleasant truth—that your partner is dragging his or her feet to keep options open in case someone better comes along. Usually, there are other obvious warning signs as well. If so, call it like it is and move on.

What’s the best antidote to confusion over commitment phobia? Patience . . . discernment . . . and communication — lots of it.

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Does more knowledge on a subject always lead to better results? What about couples who have been married 50 years, 60 years and more? They came up in a time when the knowledge about healthy relationships was limited. Are they just lucky? What do you think?

The number one song of the year was “Sweet Georgia Brown”. Charlie Chaplin ruled the box office, and F. Scott Fitzgerald published “The Great Gatsby”. It was the age of Al Capone and Louis Armstrong. A first-class stamp cost $.02. It was 1925.

It was also the year that 18-year-old Clarence Vail proposed to his 16-year-old sweetheart Mayme. They married in Hugo, Minnesota and have stayed that way for 83 years as reported by MSNBC.com. Their secret? They have no secret! “I guess you just stick to it, come what may,” Mayme says.

They’ve lasted through a world war, a depression, six children, various health challenges; and Mayme points out that they haven’t had an argument since 1946.

A conversation with a couple like the Vail’s on the keys to a long lasting relationship can be pretty dissatisfying because they have so little to share on the subject. It’s almost like they got married, and never gave the relationship another thought. Could that be the secret to their long relationship?

There’s no question that the volume of self-analysis and discussion surrounding relationships has increased exponentially in the past 50 years. An entire industry of books, coaches, websites, and matchmakers have grown up around the idea of finding a mate and building a satisfying relationship. How did so many couples with so few tools or, frankly, knowledge about what makes two people good together consistently forge relationships that lasted 50 years or more?

Here are 2 theories:

They expected far less from their primary relationship

It could be that expectations were much lower for what a marital relationship was supposed to provide. You got married. You had children. He worked. She stayed home. He socialized with his male co-workers. She joined a social club to fill her days. The rules were rigid and so seemingly impervious to change that it never occurred to either person to question the nature of their interaction.

Perhaps couples then had a clearer and simpler set of needs for their marriage. They wanted financial security, intimacy, a pleasant home and the rest – the rest was a nice to have, but not missed.

It does seem that today we expect our mates to fill a vast number of roles – companion, lover, intellectual sounding board, partner in crime, co-parent, business partner, etc. We set a standard that is so high that over time most people disappoint in one way or another. If a man is an excellent provider, father, and playmate but a terrible communicator and empathizer it can spell doom for a relationship. If the woman is a great mom, kind, and a tremendous support in tough times, but perhaps not a fun-loving or energetic mate it can create tension and disappointment.

Is it unrealistic to pile so many expectations on one person; and does it have a negative impact on maintaining a long term relationship?

They had fewer options and just toughed it out.

One of my paternal great-grandfathers was a farmer in Mississippi at the turn of the 20th century. After bearing five healthy children his wife died during child birth with their sixth. He was heartbroken for sure, but the needs of tending a farm and raising six children left no time for grieving. He promptly split the children up and loaned them out to different relatives. He made his way to the nearest town, got a room in the local boarding house and started searching for a wife.

He found my great-grandmother in a Baptist church and launched into a courtship that can best be described as business-like. She accepted – a home, a family, and his love. They went back to the farm, rounded up the children, lived happily ever after and went on to have five more kids of their own.

Is that the key to the longevity of older relationships? Were they just trapped together? We know that economic opportunities for women were limited. Not to mention the extreme stigma of being divorced. In the case of my great-grandfather, he simply couldn’t run the farm without a woman to cook the meals, tend the children, and do dozens of other vital jobs.

Did these cultural and economic barriers force marriages that were solid on the outside and miserable on the inside? Did years of working and living side by side take relationships of necessity and create real love? Should we celebrate our modern less-permanent long-term relationships because they give people the freedom to leave dysfunctional marriages?

It’s a question that can be asked in many areas of modern life. For all our knowledge, research and discussion are we really any better off? Does knowing more about relationships make them easier to keep and maintain, or more daunting?

We’d love to hear your thoughts

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If only we could read minds, relationships would be so much easier! Since that’s not an option, here’s the next best thing.

You probably remember the 2000 film “What Women Want,” which featured Mel Gibson as an egotistical advertising big shot who has a fluke accident that allows him to hear women’s thoughts. Through a series of mishaps and misadventures, he discovers that his previous presumptions about the female gender were completely off base.

Whether you thought the movie was corny or compelling, it certainly highlighted a universal question between members of the opposite sex: What really goes on in his/her head? Is it possible to bridge the gender gap and gain genuine understanding?

Many men feel bewildered when it comes to understanding women. At the same time, women feel bewildered, too, wondering why men find them so complex. As one woman explained, “It’s not rocket science. Women are a lot easier to understand than men let on.”

Well, we’d probably get plenty of arguments about that statement. But what we do know is that even the most complex conundrums can often be helped by asking the right questions and listening to the answers. Here are a handful of things women say they wish men understood about women:

“I long to feel cherished, pursued, and known.” What makes a woman feel cherished? Or pursued? Or known? Unfortunately, as many men have discovered, what makes one woman feel cherished might not be important to another woman. Or what makes one woman feel pursued might make a different woman feel stalked. Therein lies the challenge — and the thrill. Discovering what these words mean to a particular woman — and figuring out how to act on them — is a rewarding adventure that can energize and solidify a budding relationship.

“When I feel cherished, pursued, and known, I want to be close to you… in every way.” You’ve heard this before because it’s so true: For women, physical intimacy is a natural outgrowth of emotional intimacy. This doesn’t mean women won’t agree to physical intimacy in the absence of emotional intimacy. But sometimes, physical intimacy that takes place out of the context of emotional intimacy wounds a woman’s spirit and, ultimately can damage the relationship.

“I want to be treated like a lady, not like one of the guys.” Women want to be reassured by their man that chivalry is not dead, that there are still gentlemen in the world who know how to treat a woman with honor and dignity. Some men feel awkward and old-fashioned when it comes to using proper etiquette. But good manners tangibly demonstrate respect for the female recipient. Behaving like a gentleman says to a woman, “You are special and worthy of my best efforts.”

“The power of life and death is in your words.” A biblical proverb offers this counsel: “Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction. Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Proverbs 18:20-21). How many relationships have been destroyed because of critical or deceitful words? Countless! If a wise man chooses wise words, he will enhance his relationship and enchant his woman.

“I can forgive, but I may have trouble forgetting.” While on the topic of using wise words, the unwise kind (sarcastic comments about a woman’s weight, put-downs about faults, comparisons to past girlfriends or even mother) are like a stab in the heart. You can’t take back words just by saying “I didn’t mean it” or “I was just kidding.” The person on the receiving end has to live with the pain and the damage of that wound for a long time.

“It matters to me that you love yourself.” Few things are as attractive to a woman as a man who is self-confident, secure, and assured. Conversely, insecurity has a way of spreading like a massive oil spill, oozing toxic gunk on anyone and anything in its path. If a man is dissatisfied, unsure, or critical, how can he be kind, uplifting, and supportive with the woman in his life? It’s impossible to engage in a healthy relationship with someone else if you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself.

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Betrayal: 5 Steps to Help You Move Forward
If you’ve recently suffered the sting of betrayal, you probably feel like your life is spinning out of control. Between the tears, humiliation, and confusion, you may wonder how you’ll ever survive. What follows are five crucial steps to successfully move forward and beat the bite of betrayal.

If you’ve recently suffered the sting of betrayal, you probably feel like your life is spinning out of control right now. Between your mind filling with madness and your emotions flipping from outrage to sadness, it’s natural to keep asking, “How could this happen to me?”

You may also be beating yourself up, wondering how a smart, savvy, somewhat idiot-proof individual like you could have gotten so blindsided by someone you trusted and loved. Between the tears, humiliation, and confusion, you may wonder how you’ll ever survive. What follows are five crucial steps to successfully move forward and beat the bite of betrayal. When implemented, you will rise above the pain, and ultimately achieve peace of mind and forgiveness.

Step #1: Practice Forgiveness
If your partner’s betrayal has you trapped in a prison of pain, blame, and resentment, it’s time to forgive yourself so that you can be free from the pain, confusion and anger. Yes, your life has been turned upside down, and yes, betrayal is unconscionably bad behavior. But until you can forgive yourself and at least consider forgiving your partner, your heart, soul, and body will become a toxic receptacle, holding onto all negativity like a sponge. Do yourself a favor, spare yourself months of self-loathing and blame by instead giving yourself the gift of forgiveness. Bear in mind forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. You are not letting the other person off the hook for hurting you, but you are lessening the grip betrayal has over you and allowing greater focus on the many positive points in your life that can help you move forward. Ultimately, practicing forgiveness is the pathway to healing.

Step #2: Self-Worth vs. Blame
Instead of blaming yourself for your partners’ betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize the infidelity or other betrayal had nothing to do with you. On the flip side, if you’re stuck in a cycle of intense anger and blame towards your partner, you need to decide if you can start to let go and rebuild your relationship, or if it’s time to walk away and move on. To help you decide whether to stay or go, you first need to understand the origins of betrayal. Most people who cheat and/or betray in some other way suffer from low self-esteem. They also have a high need for acceptance and approval. If your partner fits this description, you need to decide if you can deal and heal or give your partner the heave ho in order to recover. Either way, it’s essential to stop taking the betrayal personally. Instead, free yourself from the blame game, live in the present, and move forward with productive, positive thoughts. Bask in the knowing that you are not to blame.

Step # 3: Permission to Heal
Instead of punishing yourself and hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal, starting right this minute. Sound impossible? It’s not. Start by turning down those obsessive thoughts about the past and what can’t be erased. Next, practice self-love, reminding yourself that you are a loving and caring individual who didn’t deserve to be betrayed. Next, start thinking about what you can learn from this agonizing experience. What lessons can you now apply to create a rock solid relationship in the future? Will you listen to your gut, question red flags, and pay attention to warning signs along the way? Will you love yourself enough to only allow in that happy, healthy, and loving relationship you deserve? If betrayal is part of your journey (and like it or not, it is), what enlightening insights can help you heal in the months to come (and hopefully avoid any future betrayals)?

Step #4: Rebuild Trust
While it’s easy to fall into the betrayal trap of massive mistrust towards your partner moving forward, be aware that projecting your fears will not help you heal. If you plan to stay with your partner, you’ll need to focus on rebuilding trust. If you can’t forgive, then don’t waste time staying in the relationship and trying to make your partner pay for their past transgressions. Instead, give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again. Start by learning to trust yourself and your life choices. Instead of focusing on your ex and the betrayal (not to mention past relationship disappointments that may be adding up to a mistrust in yourself right about now), think about all the amazing people in your life who you can trust, including yourself. Make a list of ten fantastic choices and decisions you’ve made in the last few years. Reflect on the people who have kept your confidences, honored their word, and stuck by your side. Soon, you’ll be slaying the beast of betrayal and going from victim to victor. Plus, by slowly and steadily rebuilding trust with your partner (or simply with yourself if you leave the relationship), you’re better able to let go of fear, doubt, and insecurity.

Step #5: Don’t Punish Future Partners
Another travesty of betrayal may not present itself until your next relationship. Still, now’s the time to ask yourself if you plan on punishing future partners for your ex’s sins, or if you’ll be strong enough to give them the trust they deserve. For example, if a future date says or does something that triggers a memory of betrayal, instead of treating them unfairly, accusing them of lying, and then pulling away without explanation, why not calmly and courageously express your fears and concerns? If you cop to your insecurities and give your date a chance to hear you out, you’ll maximize your chances of building an open, honest, and successful relationship.

Truth be told, every relationship has its rough patches, but if you proceed with clarity, you’re guaranteed a smoother ride. After a betrayal, it’s all too easy to fall into a funk of doubt, anger, and uncertainty about the future. By working the five steps above, you’re more likely to beat those betrayal blues, and ultimately build a more stable and satisfying future. When in doubt, stay focused, practice patience, and persevere!

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Abusive Relationships
By Eharmony
Singles should be aware of potential dangers if a partner starts crossing boundaries

Abusive Relationships:
The beginning of the end started with a pointed finger jabbed into Rita’s shoulder. It was just forceful enough to knock her off balance and leave a slight bruise … but not a huge deal, right? Wrong!

Rita had been dating Mitch for a year and a half. The Dallas couple had begun their relationship with strong attraction, intense feelings, and high expectations. Mitch was a guy his friends would describe as “high strung.” He was known to get into shouting matches when discussing the latest Cowboys’ loss, and he sometimes blew his cool during fiercely contested racquetball matches. No doubt, he was hot-blooded, passionate, and emotive. Which was one thing Rita liked about him initially — he wasn’t afraid to express his feelings toward her and make a big show of how much he loved her. But as the months went by, it became more and more evident that Mitch had a hard time controlling the emotions he felt so strongly.

As their relationship settled into a predictable routine — and the ecstatic feelings of new love wore off — Mitch had begun to yell at Rita over minor mistakes. Discussions became heated debates. Soon he started regularly lobbing verbal hand grenades — putdowns, sarcastic remarks, belittling names. And then came that finger jab into Rita’s shoulder, and she knew their relationship had crossed an unfortunate threshold. It wasn’t much longer before she gently broke the news to Mitch — their relationship was over. A nasty break-up, to be sure, with accusations and threats by Mitch, but Rita stuck to her decision while being cautious to protect herself in the process.

How did Rita find the courage to end the relationship when it started to go sour — and abusive? She explains: “I’d had friends who got entangled in toxic dating relationships where they ended up being physically abused — slapped and punched by their boyfriends,” she said. “I knew that once a relationship started heading in that destructive direction, there’s little chance it will turn around. Once the red flags begin showing up, it’s best to get out and move on as quickly as possible.”

This problem is more widespread than we’d all like to admit. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, from 25 to 50 percent of all women in heterosexual relationships are abused in some way. When we hear the words “abusive relationships,” our minds immediately go to the most obvious and apparent forms — physical or sexual assault. But there is a continuum of abusive behavior that ranges from subtle to obvious. Emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize. This kind of “covert warfare” causes self-esteem problems and psychological damage. And this situation certainly is not unique to women — men are also the victims of abusive relationships as well.

Further, what Rita said was correct: Abusive relationships are almost always progressive — they only get worse over time. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently changes to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress.

Although it’s impossible to go into detail in this short space, let’s look at several behaviors that qualify as an abusive relationship:

Intimidation. Does your partner make you afraid by using menacing expressions, posture, gestures, and tone of voice? Does he make threats—or even carry them out—to harm you? Does he bully you to get his way?

Belittling. Does your partner put you down or try to make you feel inferior? Does he embarrass you or make fun of you in front of others?

Harassment. Does your partner call or text you excessively? Does he follow you or show up to make sure you are where you said you’d be?

Isolation. Does your partner try to control what you do, where you go, and who you talk to? Does he try to keep you away from certain friends or family members?

Emotional abuse. Does your partner manipulate you or play “mind games”? Does he minimize your feelings, dismiss your complaints, or blame you for all the problems? Does he exhibit “Jekyll-and-Hyde” behavior: nice one moment, nasty the next?

Unwanted sexual advances. Does your partner ever touch you inappropriately? Does he pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

Physical boundary violations of any kind. Does your partner treat you roughly—grab, shake, push, shove, or hit? Does he restrain you from leaving?

The bottom line is this: You deserve a healthy, respectful, loving relationship. Refuse to settle for anything less! If you see warning signs that your relationship is turning abusive, then do yourself a huge favor — move on to someone who will treat you with utmost care and kindness.

For more detailed information about abusive relationships, please see: The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

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Why Do Good Relationships End Up Going Bad?

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