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It is that time of year again where the stores get filled with Valentine’s decorations, red balloons, hearts, flowers, and lover’s cards.  Some people get excited about this time of year, yet other people worry about the lack of funds to do something unique. Good news…you don’t have to spend money on loud restaurants filled with noise and strangers.  You can create romance and enjoy your relationship without spending money.

Here are few FREE Valentine’s Day ideas to help build a strong relationship bond:

Scavenger Hunt: Step out of the box and try something unique by creating a scavenger hunt around your home.  Create clues that include favorite memories together, how you feel about your partner, and other fun items. Be creative and have fun!

Backyard Dinner: Cook a dinner together (yes, it does say ‘together’) and have a romantic dinner in your own back yard.  Set the tone with candles and music.  Show your partner how much they matter by getting dressed up and enjoy the night.  Not only do you get the privacy in your own back yard, but you don’t have a waiter/waitress randomly appearing in your relationship.

Hike and Picnic: Step out of the daily grind of the city life and take a dive into Mother Nature. Find a nearby hiking location and enjoy the scenery with your partner.  The nature of the hike will help you feel up-lifted and positive while bonding together.  First, the exercise of hiking has the body naturally release “happy chemicals” (neurotransmitters) which positively improve the moods. Secondly, nature is calming, tranquil, and beautiful which can automatically create an uplifting feel.  The hike will automatically impact how you both feel internally and you can connect through the hike. After you soak up the beauty of the hike, find a nice place to lie on a blanket and have a picnic.

Game Night by the Fire: Take advantage of the cold weather (even if you live in sunny San Diego like I do) and have a fire in your fire place.  Do you remember how you two used to connect when you first were together?  Find that playful and flirty side and get back into the groove of laughing with one another.  Find how you two used to connect when you first met each other and make it come back alive.  It is there….you simply need to find it again.

Bonfire and S’mores: Since I live in San Diego, I have to put this one in (I am sorry for those who don’t have bonfires as an option).  Why stay at home when you can cuddle up around a bonfire and eat s’mores?  Surprise your partner and take them to a bonfire. Cuddling up with your loved one while eating s’mores is an automatic bonding time…without costing money.

If you have other FREE ideas for Valentine’s Day, share your thoughts and make a comment here!

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I attended a social excursion, recently, wherein I was put on notice by a friend with “you want me to be completely honest with you? Well here goes . . .” Not only did this make me nervous, I braced myself for a barrage, and my fears came true, as a barrage of insulting conjecture came flying forth with a fierceness, I had not yet experienced with my friend.

Often times, couples will come into my office, with a chasm between them seemingly a lifetime long. They display and report hurt and distance and fear and distrust. They go round and round and argue utilizing the same phrases and statements, and tell me these are the same arguments they have at home. Repetitive. Unproductive.

When it is time for apologies, they are often cerebral exercises, “I am sorry” typically stated by the husband and the response is typically the wife stating, “yes, I’ve heard all this before.”

There is often follow up questioning, typically by the wife “but why, why did you do it in the first place?” and there is the husband’s typical come back “I am sorry, I won’t do it again.”

Sometimes, these conversations or variations of this conversation occur over and over, session after session. Sometimes, ultimately, the repetitious feedback loop with alter and new information will be divulged, perhaps something like . . . “I’m sorry, I did it because, I didn’t want to be around you . . . that’s why.”

At this point in the session, the other party, often the wife, will frequently cry at the new revelation.

This is where the entire dynamic changes.

I observe an entire shift in the relationship dynamic, right before my very eyes. The husband, typically observing the tears, will begin to shift endlessly in his seat, talk compulsively, look away, and will appear to become extraordinarily uncomfortable.

When I ask him the standard therapeutic question, “what is going on for you right now?” He’ll often reply, “I have no idea what to do . . . when she cries . . . I can’t fix it.” Upon further probing from me, the rationale often whittles down to “I feel . . . helpless.”

So, the alternative? Save the wife from hurting, save the husband from feeling helpless, alter, conceal, or omit the truth.

This plan of relationship survival comes into my office over and over. It’s often unconscious and takes awhile to uncover. It’s inception is noble . . . saving someone’s feelings from hurt. Who wouldn’t think this logic charitable? Unfortunately, the outcome is far different than the intended. The unfortunate impact, I’ve observed, is a decay in trust. The wife wonders if her husband has ever been honest with her, causes her to ask herself if she’s just a fool, feels shut out of husband’s inner world, and the husband feels more and more criticized by his wife – despite his best intentions!

An antidote? Honesty.

Not the aforementioned type of honesty, at the beginning of this article. Brutal honesty is far different than emotional honesty, taking personal responsibility kind of honesty, revealing oneself, kind of honesty . . . this self revelatory, real, intimacy- building kind of honesty may, at times, wound the other person. It will not destroy the other person.

Brutal honesty tends to come out in a blast, accusatory, full of intensity, sometimes in anger, and tends to induce the desire to move away. It can be experienced as criticism.  Emotional honesty tends to come out softer, full of emotion, tentative, and induce the feeling of compassion in the other person. Despite the benefits of emotional honesty, it appears to be the most difficult to achieve.

This level of honesty requires the ability to tolerate being uncomfortable for a little while, to accept one may not be able to fix it, in the moment, or spare one’s spouse pain. It means allowing one’s spouse to have their own feelings.

The deep traumatic pain individuals tend to disclose is typically related to abandonment and betrayal. These tend to be the most intense, unbearables in intimate relationships. Honesty about one’s inner experience is not something typically reported in therapy as ultimately destructive to marriages.

Sharing the complete self can lead to an intimacy deeper than ever imagined, can strengthen the compassion, can lead to a profound understanding of one another . . . and isn’t that ultimately, what we all crave . . . to be heard and understood?

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Interrupting can be a bad habit….and it automatically shuts down lines of communication. When we are so eager and in hurry to get our point across, it is difficult to slow down and not interrupt the other person.  The quick interjection and cutting off the other person sends out a bad message that they don’t matter. The receiving end can feel as if your invisible, what you have to say does not matter, and you’re not important.    There are good intentions bind this approach, yet it unfortunately sends the opposite message.

Here are a few quick tips on how to stop the bad habit of interrupting:

Remember it’s Not Your Turn: Remind yourself that it is your partner’s turn to talk.  Have your mind focused on your partner and what they are saying.  It is their turn, so your job is to simply listen and try to understand what it is like to be in their shoes.

Bite your Tongue: If you disagree or have something to say, bite your tongue, pinch your arm, and count to 10 in your head.  Slow down your response and help keep yourself ground by biting your tongue.

Breathe: Take a deep breath to calm down your reaction and remember that you want your partner to be active in the relationship.  Sometimes just taking a breath will help slow down our reactions.

Take a Mental Note: If something comes to mind, take a mental note to share your point of view later.  Your voice and your views matter, so take note of it and bring it up when it is your turn to talk.

Active Listening: Put into practice the active listening tool.  Your job at that moment is to show your partner that you are listening, try to understand what your partner is saying, and stop thinking about what your next response will be.  Start active listening, stop talking, and stop the active interruptions.

Value Your Partner: Successful communication is to make your partner feel important, emotionally safe, and that they matter.  When communicating, make it your personal goal to send the message that your partner is important and what they have to say matters. Remember that your partner has value.

Take Turns: Create 20 minutes of uninterrupted discussions and take turns sharing your views, ideas, and thoughts.  One person gets to be the talker and other person gets to be the listener.  Take turns on each side.

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Get your Relationship Un-Stuck: By Jennine Estes

Relationships are full of ups and down, ins and outs.  Some couples get caught on the “down” side and fall into the nasty hole of disconnection, loneliness, and dullness.  In many ways, it can feel as if being stuck in a bottom of a ditch; nothing to grab onto to climb out, and the more work to dig your way out, the more dirt falls in.  Many couples try to make repair attempts to climb their way out of the deep hole, but the more it barriers them with more issues to work through.  Does any of this sound?

Getting caught in a ditch with no tools and no latter, can be exhausting.  Couples simply need a bit of hope and team work to help them climb their way out. Here are a few simple steps you can do to begin spicing up your relationship and climbing out of the ditch:

Get out of Routine:  Many couples fall into routine, get used to the fact that they have a partner, and over look nurturing the relationship.  Stop watching television nightly, stop making sex a routine, and stop waiting on your partner.  Find a way to surprise your partner and do something different.

Get Re-energized: Begin creating excitement and energy in your life by focusing on you.  Take your lunch break and meet up with a friend, or get energy by joining a group, or start a new hobby.  Any sense of energy is better than no energy.  The excitement you have in your personal life can boost your motivation to crawl out of the pit.Talk about it: Begin a conversation about being stuck; share with one another about what it is like to be stuck in the ditch, talk about things that might help you two get motivated, and problem solve about other options for climbing out.

Comfort one another: When you two have been trying to dig your way out, it can get tough.  Hold and comfort one another while going through the tough times.  Tell your partner that you two will find a way to get out.   Remember, you aren’t the only one stuck in the ditch.

Look for the Good Stuff: When the disconnection is overwhelming and the energy is low, the optimistic thoughts dwindle away.  Take an active approach and look for the good stuff in the relationship.  Think positive and shift your thoughts from doubtful to hopeful.

Seek Professional Help: When the tough gets going, and the digging only makes things worse, it is time to start yelling for someone to help you find a way out.  A professional, such as a couple’s therapist, isn’t stuck in the ditch and can toss down a rope to help you climb out.

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Seeing the Wall for the Bricks
Here’s the truth: at the moment, it’s like there is this huge wall in front of you. All of the bricks are made up of memories of your ex, the things you thought you would do together in the future, the new Facebook pictures she put up of her weekend out with the girls, your hopes to get back together with her, and so on. Behind this wall, are all the answers you need that will help you to get her back, as well as a path to a more enriching lifestyle. This article is about the process you need to go through to reach behind that wall, and unlock the secrets to getting the relationship life you want, whether it is with your ex or not.

Embracing your Ego
First of all, why do you want to get her back? Your body has bonded to her – you have self-hypnotized yourself to believe that she is special and irreplaceable (and I’m sure she is to you at the moment), and you feel a burning hole in your heart without her. You feel sick when you think about her with other guys. I know, trust me. These reasons are all about yourself, and what you want. They are selfish, they are egotistical. You don’t really care whether she would be happy to be back with you, or whether she is better off on her own – we know what she believes. And hey, it’s this is perfectly okay – in fact you need to own this part of yourself completely. The first step is to accept this on a deep level.

Embracing Hurt
Remember the wall? There are chains that have you bound to it, and you need to find a way to break them. You can’t destroy the wall – it contains things that are a deep part of you, but you need to find your way to the other side. Part of that process is about accepting how you are feeling in the moment. I understand that you just want something that’s going to numb the pain, but you were always going to loose her – whether you broke up now, or at some later point in life – whenever that would be. On a very deep level, everything goes – and so to love is to feel pain and be wounded. Right now, can you feel into that pain? Can you magnify the hurt, so that there is no longer “the hurt” and “you thinking about the hurt” – but just hurt itself? Can you accept it, and then feel even deeper, letting go of those feelings and embracing the relaxation that is just below it? If you are fully able to do this, your stomach will loosen, and it will become easier to breathe. It may surprise you, and you’ll feel guilty because a part of you feels that you should feel this pain. Feel those new emotions too, accept that you have them, and let them go as well. Feel your shoulders drop as the tension leaves your body. You’re now in a state where you can begin to move beyond the wall. As the old feelings come up again and again, continue to use this technique.

Controlling Where Your Attention Goes
Make a promise to yourself that you will immediately cut her out of your life – you have to stand up and take responsibility for where your attention goes, and you cannot continue to spend it on her. When you think about it, a lot of what being a man is about is controlling where your attention goes. If you were a provider in a tribal society, you would need your attention to be on hunting, protecting, and enhancing your skills as a fighter – not looking at old photos of your ex. Use your time that you have now, that you aren’t spending in a relationship, to pursue new things. Really embrace this opportunity to be single – so many men are in relationships but long to be single and experience that sense of freedom again. You have a unique opportunity right now to fortify a lifestyle for yourself that will be attractive to others.

Create Healthy Boundaries
Not only are you going to stop talking to your ex, and stop thinking about her, but you’re going to create these types of boundaries in every area of your life. It’s about taking yourself and your individuality more seriously now that you’re single again. Start thinking along the lines of developing a unique style for yourself – what type of hairstyle do you really want to have? You’ve got no commitments to anyone, so do what you like; two days ago I shaved all the hair off of my head, just for the sake of it, and I actually really like this new style. Take the opportunity to create your own style for yourself. Change up the music you listen to – if you usually like indie, perhaps start listening to hip hop. Learn to enjoy it, embrace the changes that come with immersing yourself in a new culture. Become an amateur artist. Learn a musical instrument, or a language. It’s time to have fun, your own precious sweet fun, in your own precious individual body. In the months after a break up many men tend to lose their sense of individuality, and want to feel the emptiness that comes from drinking or mindlessly watching television – this is not for you (control where your attention goes).

If you can do this, you will break the chains completely. You become one and whole unto yourself again.

On the Other Side of the Wall
If you are genuinely on the other side, you feel like you can deal with the loss. You realize that it’s in the best interest of everyone if you just let this whole thing go. You see a new path for yourself, and who knows where it leads really? But you can move somewhere. And you know what, it’s only if you’re moving somewhere, that any woman will feel like she can be with you. It’s not about making changes for her while staying stuck behind the memories and the hope that you will get back together, it’s about genuinely moving on. As soon as you’ve taken a few steps forward, you’re a different man, and only then can she come to be with you again, as a new couple in a new relationship with a different future.

And that’s really the only way you’re going to get the relationship you want after a break-up. I’m sorry if you are reading this after losing the girl you love, I know how it feels – I also know that it can take years of staring at the wall before you can start to make changes. My hope is that you read this and you’re inspired to really break those chains, focus on yourself, and then when you see the whole thing for what it really is -when you’re no longer chained to the experience – you will be free to move forward to a new more healthy place in your life.

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Six Things Men Wish They Could Tell Women
What would be revealed if a man felt the freedom to be totally open and honest? Here’s a start.

It’s a vexing issue that has plagued humankind–or at least womankind–for millennia: What really goes on in the mind of a man? What exactly is he thinking?

These questions probably first came up in the Garden of Eden, when Adam blamed Eve for eating the apple and getting them evicted from Paradise. “What was he thinking?!” she likely asked. And women have been asking the same question ever since.

While it would take volumes to cover everything men want to tell women, here are six of the most prevalent things:

“I am not afraid of commitment—I just need to be very, very sure.” It turns out that all this business about men being commitment-phobic is mostly myth. A recent study chronicled in USA Today ran with the headline, “Not so afraid to commit after all.” The lead paragraph read, “Men are more likely than women to prefer marriage over lifelong singlehood and in many ways are as interested in serious family relationships as women, according to a new study.” In the survey—which included 12,000 men and women ages 15-44—respondents were asked, “It is better to get married than go through life single?” The results: 66 percent of men agreed compared with 51 percent of women. Set aside presumptions and preconceived ideas about men and commitment. If a fabulous woman came along, most men would be thoroughly delighted to commit for a lifetime.

“Yes, I have feelings. It’s just challenging to express them.” Men are often characterized as insensitive, unemotional, and oblivious to anything a millimeter below the surface. That may be true for some men, but emphatically not true for most. The fact is, our society encourages men to suppress their feelings, holding up as the role model for manhood the strong, silent type. More personally, most guys didn’t grow up with a father who understood his emotions and knew how to express them. Wise women know that men have lots of feelings—and allow lots of space to process them and lots of grace in figuring out how to verbalize them.

“Of course I have testosterone coursing through my body, but that doesn’t mean I’m a sex-crazed maniac.” The caricature of an average guy is this: He is so overpowered by his sex drive that he can’t possibly put his overheated passions in neutral for even a moment. Yes, there are some men who think about sex every second of every day. But most men—and this may come as a surprise to you women—consider sex as something that should happen at the right time, under the right circumstances, and absolutely with the right person. In our diverse and open-minded society, lots of people have different perspectives about how and when sex should occur. The point here is to debunk a prevailing cultural myth: not every man is a raving sexaholic. Most men would say this: “You’re darn right I’m interested in sex, but don’t stereotype me as a slobbering Neanderthal who is powerless to control his urges.”

“Everything you’ve heard about the male ego? Yep, it’s true.” Think of a man’s ego like a balloon that can be gradually inflated, carefully deflated, or burst with one quick strike of a needle. The first two options are acceptable; the last one usually ends very badly. No man wants to admit it, but a strike to the ego may as well be a gunshot to the heart. It can be fatal—at least to relationships. If a woman wants to woo and win a man, she will have to become an ego aficionado. She’s got to learn how to bolster her man’s self-esteem while, when necessary, speak the truth in love—very gently.

“I need freedom and independence, and I’m afraid you’re going to become my prison warden.” Men fear being trapped, stuck, penned in. This has to do with the whole commitment-phobia thing—most guys keep one eye on the exit door until they’re sure, absolutely sure, this is the woman they want to settle down with. And that woman usually has become skilled at knowing how to hold proper boundaries while letting her man enjoy his independence. Wise women give their partner ample space, before and after marriage.

“I want to be able to discuss my desires, concerns, and opinions without fearing an emotional reaction of hurricane proportions.” Men have lots of things they would like to say to their partner, but they often hesitate and hold back. Why? The potential emotional onslaught! If a man wants to express his opinion about his partner’s unflattering outfit, her lack of organizational skills, or (gulp) the ten pounds she recently put on, he’s likely to worry about the response he’ll receive. You may have noticed that most women are quite emotive, and many react strongly to perceived criticism—even if the man in her life does not intend it as criticism. It’s true that some men could use a lesson in tact and discernment when conveying their opinions on sensitive issues. But it’s also true that many men would be more willing to share their thoughts if they knew doing so wouldn’t prompt a nuclear explosion.

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So you are back into the dating game and looking for Mr Right but somehow always end up with Mr Wrong. My single girlfriends are forever telling me that there are no good men left as they are all married or taken!

Well contrary to the popular belief held by women that all the good single guys are taken and that there are not enough good men left to date there is ample evidence to show that this is just not the case. In fact the average single guy looking for love is in-fact highly likely to be someone who has a good career as a teacher or tradesman. Statistically he will be over five feet seven inches in height and will be relatively athletic and not too overweight. He will have an above-average appearance and will enjoy to cook, dance and also doesn’t mind an occasional walk in the country along with going to the movies and eating out.

Look For Honest And Monogamous Males

The best dating advice for women would be to look for these ‘average’ single guys who are also looking for a lasting, permanent and loving relationship. Generally these men view monogamy positively and also pride themselves on being honest. These gentlemen are generally looking for a lady of a similar age, so women should concentrate on meeting guys either their own age or up to 5 years younger or older, depending on your preference.

Another important dating advice for women is to actually give the guy a chance. It is a common complaint among men that women are too quick to pass judgments and simply don’t give them the opportunity to to get to know the women and to develop a relationship.

It is a known fact that women believe that most men place too much emphasis on physical appearance, however, the same criticism can also be leveled against most women when they are out in the pursuit of a relationship with a man. In the single circles it is quite common for men to complain that they have been rejected by women on the basis of their looks and that their other valuable attributes like honesty, integrity and their caring nature have been totally ignored.

Did you know that most dating agencies will not initially show women photographs of prospective dates until the women has expressed an interest on meeting the man based on his job, interests and other factors like height and age, purely because women place so much emphasis on the importance of looks.

So my dating advice for women is that if you are seriously looking for a new partner forget about finding that ‘perfect looking man’ and expand your horizons by looking for more desirable qualities in men, such as finding someone who has similar interests and good communication skills. Today, women have many more opportunities to meet men than the single women of 50 years ago who generally did not have jobs and found it difficult to meet eligible men. Women have a very big presence in the workforce and this allows ample opportunity to meet and develop relationships with men during and after work.

Ladies, you should not be intent on meeting the perfect match straight away. Instead it is better to date someone who has a few of the personal qualities you are interested in and with a little luck this person may become your ‘ideal partner’. As the old saying goes ‘you can’t judge a book by the cover’, so be open and willing to speak with men before you make a judgment based purely on their looks. By taking this approach you do not have much to lose but you could certainly have plenty to gain.

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