“Have I gone crazy?”
“Am I just being paranoid?”
“Is this my jealousy confusing me?”


When you feel suspicious that your partner is lying to you and possibly having an affair, you might start to question yourself.


These doubts about your ability to trust your own sense of what is going on in your love relationship or marriage might not only come from you.


Perhaps you have asked your partner about his/her late-night phone calls from a mysterious person or long periods of time on Facebook, for example, and your question has been brushed aside with something like, “You’re just making things up–It was nothing.”


You may have also had past experiences that planted beliefs in your mind that you can’t fully trust your own self.


If you are tired of doubting yourself and of your incessant suspicions and jealousy about what your partner is doing, it’s time to gain some clarity.


Use these 4 questions that follow to help you differentiate between jealousy and information that may (or may not) indicate that your partner is lying to you.


When you notice that you feel suspicious and you’re not sure if you can trust what you are thinking and believing, ask yourself these questions first…


#1: Are you reacting or responding?


There is a huge difference between a reaction and a response. Your knee-jerk, first unconscious impulse is a reaction.


It could be the accusation that you made to your mate when he came home late from work without calling, for instance.


Get into the habit of pausing BEFORE you react. After returning to your center with a slow, deep breath, you might end up choosing to say or do what your first impulse was. But, the difference is, now you are responding.


One distinction between a reaction and a response is that you take the time to think before you speak or act with a response. You feel into yourself and decide if this next step is truly in your best interest or not.


#2: Are you living in the present or in the past?


Many people who struggle with jealousy find that they are essentially living in the past. Unresolved hurt from past relationships or even lingering pain from the past with your current partner can stand in the way of you seeing clearly what’s going on right here and now.


Again, your slow, deep breath can be your ally.


Take a deep breath when you find yourself thinking that your partner will cheat because your former partner cheated. Bring yourself back to this moment and look around at what you DO know about this situation at this time.


Make a choice to gather further information, if necessary, to help you know what’s going on right now.


#3: Are you guided by fear or certainty?


Jealousy thrives on fear.


You might fear that you’ll be abandoned by your mate and that you will never experience love again. You may fear that your partner will make a fool of you by having affairs that everyone else but you knows about.


This is not to say that if you are fearful, you should just dismiss your suspicions. Instead, it is wise to learn how to first calm your fears and get to a place of certainty.


When your jealousy has taken over and clouded your vision, you will probably find that it is mostly fear-based thoughts that bombard your mind.


When you soothe yourself, you can then more easily see– and feel certain about– the real facts in front of you.


You might not like what you see and you may even feel worried, angry or fearful because of what you see, but this is different. Pay attention to what is guiding you to say or do particular things.


Deliberately, take the time to “observe” your thoughts and feelings periodically– especially when you are in triggering situations related to your partner. Try to identify what is guiding or motivating you at this time.


Are your decisions being made based on fears or worries or do you feel a certainty that this is what is truly going on and what you should do about it?


#4: Are you acting from stories or evidence?


When you do speak or act, make sure that you are NOT relying on the stories that you tell yourself. Back up your words and actions with evidence that is as indisputable as possible.


Whether you are “making the case” for your partner lying (or not lying) to yourself or to him or her as you two talk, base your “case” on reliable information.


There is no surer way to be dismissed as “crazy” or “jealous” than assuming something for which you have no evidence.


For your own sake, and for the sake of your relationship, take the time to get reliable information. Questions the stories that you tell yourself. They may be true. They may not be true.


If you find that you are mostly jealous, yet you still have nagging questions about your partner that you can’t let go of, keep asking yourself these 4 questions. At the same time, take steps to address your jealousy.


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