Despite the piling evidence that very few romantic relationship is able to pass the test of time, many still strive for a lasting, committed relationship. The problem is, people don’t have a role model to demonstrate how to make a relationship last. I have found ten elements that are consistently named by relationship expert as guidelines to make a relationship last. 

1. Love Yourself

It will be hard to understand why someone else will love you if you can’t love yourself. There are many ways to build self-esteem, check out the self-help section in your local bookstores or libraries for books on self-esteem and learn to love yourself. If you find it difficult to follow the techniques given or get the results you wanted, consider consulting a psychologist that can help you get to the root of your self-esteem problem. 

2. Like Your Significant Others

It is not enough to simply love your partner. You have to truly like who they are. Liking someone means enjoying who that person is. 

3. Respect Your Partner

 Respecting your partner means being honest and open with them. It also means you have to consider their needs, wants and feelings. Usually, if you really like the person, respect will come naturally, even though everyone will be a little selfish sometimes. It is at this time that you need to constantly remind yourself to think of your partner and their feelings. 

4. Communicate

Being open and honest isn’t always easy. You may find there are times where you don’t want to be honest because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. Remember that your partner can read your mood and though they may not know why, they can tell if you are enjoying yourself. Communicating with your partner of your needs, wants, likes and dislikes allow them to understand your further and also show that you respect them as a confidant.

5. Fight Fair

Sometimes, even with open and honest communication, arguments do happen. Fighting fair when argument do arise allows you to maintain mutual respect in the relationship. Fighting fair means using the “I” statement instead of the “you”. “You” statements are statements of blame and are design to belittle the other party and it doesn’t work towards solving the argument. By using “I” statements, you are able to communicate your point without putting your partner in the defensive.

6. Compromise 

You and your partner should be like a team working towards common life goals. While most people like to “win” arguments, both of you will come out as “big winners” if you compromise on certain issues. Solutions of compromise will allows both parties to contribute to the relationship and come out stronger. 

7. Touch Each Other Everyday

Intimacy is a major component in any romantic relationship and while open communication allows you to be intimate on an intellectual level, some other communication do not need words. A touch on the hand, a hug, small gestures can say alot more to your partner than mere words.

8. Work At It

Romance is easy. Being  a caring and contributing partner take work. People are fairly selfish by nature so most of the time you ought to remind yourself to think of your partner before yourself. It is also important to remember that you need to work on yourself and your contributions to th relationship instead of working towards changing your partner. 

9. Spend Time Together

Couples that play together stay together. Spend time enjoying things together. Whether it’s taking up a hobby together or having a Sunday morning routine where you chat over a cup of coffee, enjoy each other. 

10. Spend Time Apart

As important as it is to spend time together, you also need to spend time with yourself. Learning and growing on your own gives your tools to help build a stronger relationship because you can be a stronger contributor to it. However, not all of your time need to be spend on learning or participating in hobbies, sometimes, just by taking an hour out to meditate or soak in the tub can help clear your mind of stress you otherwise will take out on your partner. 

Many of the ‘secrets’ of lasting relationships aren’t actually secrets at all. Basically, it’s a matter of ensuring that you are with your partner because of who they are and of thinking of your partner before yourself on a regular basis.

I have written on 12 romantic things you can do to let your man know you love him. Now, its time for him to reciprocate. Here are 7 proven ways to make your man more romantic from now on.

1) Pick a time, probably after making love, and tell him that you want him to be more romantic in the future. it sounds dumb I know but why go around circles when you can just go direct? If he loves you and want you to be happy, he will seriously consider to be more romantic in future, for you.

2) reward him when he does something romantic. If he sent flowers gush over them and how thoughtful he is. men like to be told they have done well, and when you give them something special after they done something you like, they will continue to do it. That’s why they say men are like dogs – in a good way.

3) Send him a challenger. Point out what romantic things other guys are doing and see what happens. if you give them another man to compete with, they will constantly strive to outdo the other guy.  Point out how amazingly romantic your friend’s boyfriend is, but don’t overdo it or he will get annoyed.

4) Do romantic things for him. Once he sees that you’re going out of your way to be romantic towards him, he will feel the urge to reciprocate.

5) Set up a romantic dinner each week. Once he have gone into the habit of doing romantic things like having a candle lit dinner, he will do it on his own without your supervision. But first, you must let him know your vision of romance.

6) Rent some romantic videos and point out what those men are doing that are romantic. Don’t have to get him to do the exact same thing but subtly point them out. he will eventually get your hint and start treating your romantically.

7) Convince him that being romantic does not make him any less of a man. Some guys think being romantic is not manly and isn’t something they want their friends to know about. Let him know that he doesn’t have to tell the guys he brought you flowers and took a bubble bath with you.

It is that time of year again where the stores get filled with Valentine’s decorations, red balloons, hearts, flowers, and lover’s cards.  Some people get excited about this time of year, yet other people worry about the lack of funds to do something unique. Good news…you don’t have to spend money on loud restaurants filled with noise and strangers.  You can create romance and enjoy your relationship without spending money.

Here are few FREE Valentine’s Day ideas to help build a strong relationship bond:

Scavenger Hunt: Step out of the box and try something unique by creating a scavenger hunt around your home.  Create clues that include favorite memories together, how you feel about your partner, and other fun items. Be creative and have fun!

Backyard Dinner: Cook a dinner together (yes, it does say ‘together’) and have a romantic dinner in your own back yard.  Set the tone with candles and music.  Show your partner how much they matter by getting dressed up and enjoy the night.  Not only do you get the privacy in your own back yard, but you don’t have a waiter/waitress randomly appearing in your relationship.

Hike and Picnic: Step out of the daily grind of the city life and take a dive into Mother Nature. Find a nearby hiking location and enjoy the scenery with your partner.  The nature of the hike will help you feel up-lifted and positive while bonding together.  First, the exercise of hiking has the body naturally release “happy chemicals” (neurotransmitters) which positively improve the moods. Secondly, nature is calming, tranquil, and beautiful which can automatically create an uplifting feel.  The hike will automatically impact how you both feel internally and you can connect through the hike. After you soak up the beauty of the hike, find a nice place to lie on a blanket and have a picnic.

Game Night by the Fire: Take advantage of the cold weather (even if you live in sunny San Diego like I do) and have a fire in your fire place.  Do you remember how you two used to connect when you first were together?  Find that playful and flirty side and get back into the groove of laughing with one another.  Find how you two used to connect when you first met each other and make it come back alive.  It is there….you simply need to find it again.

Bonfire and S’mores: Since I live in San Diego, I have to put this one in (I am sorry for those who don’t have bonfires as an option).  Why stay at home when you can cuddle up around a bonfire and eat s’mores?  Surprise your partner and take them to a bonfire. Cuddling up with your loved one while eating s’mores is an automatic bonding time…without costing money.

If you have other FREE ideas for Valentine’s Day, share your thoughts and make a comment here!

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I attended a social excursion, recently, wherein I was put on notice by a friend with “you want me to be completely honest with you? Well here goes . . .” Not only did this make me nervous, I braced myself for a barrage, and my fears came true, as a barrage of insulting conjecture came flying forth with a fierceness, I had not yet experienced with my friend.

Often times, couples will come into my office, with a chasm between them seemingly a lifetime long. They display and report hurt and distance and fear and distrust. They go round and round and argue utilizing the same phrases and statements, and tell me these are the same arguments they have at home. Repetitive. Unproductive.

When it is time for apologies, they are often cerebral exercises, “I am sorry” typically stated by the husband and the response is typically the wife stating, “yes, I’ve heard all this before.”

There is often follow up questioning, typically by the wife “but why, why did you do it in the first place?” and there is the husband’s typical come back “I am sorry, I won’t do it again.”

Sometimes, these conversations or variations of this conversation occur over and over, session after session. Sometimes, ultimately, the repetitious feedback loop with alter and new information will be divulged, perhaps something like . . . “I’m sorry, I did it because, I didn’t want to be around you . . . that’s why.”

At this point in the session, the other party, often the wife, will frequently cry at the new revelation.

This is where the entire dynamic changes.

I observe an entire shift in the relationship dynamic, right before my very eyes. The husband, typically observing the tears, will begin to shift endlessly in his seat, talk compulsively, look away, and will appear to become extraordinarily uncomfortable.

When I ask him the standard therapeutic question, “what is going on for you right now?” He’ll often reply, “I have no idea what to do . . . when she cries . . . I can’t fix it.” Upon further probing from me, the rationale often whittles down to “I feel . . . helpless.”

So, the alternative? Save the wife from hurting, save the husband from feeling helpless, alter, conceal, or omit the truth.

This plan of relationship survival comes into my office over and over. It’s often unconscious and takes awhile to uncover. It’s inception is noble . . . saving someone’s feelings from hurt. Who wouldn’t think this logic charitable? Unfortunately, the outcome is far different than the intended. The unfortunate impact, I’ve observed, is a decay in trust. The wife wonders if her husband has ever been honest with her, causes her to ask herself if she’s just a fool, feels shut out of husband’s inner world, and the husband feels more and more criticized by his wife – despite his best intentions!

An antidote? Honesty.

Not the aforementioned type of honesty, at the beginning of this article. Brutal honesty is far different than emotional honesty, taking personal responsibility kind of honesty, revealing oneself, kind of honesty . . . this self revelatory, real, intimacy- building kind of honesty may, at times, wound the other person. It will not destroy the other person.

Brutal honesty tends to come out in a blast, accusatory, full of intensity, sometimes in anger, and tends to induce the desire to move away. It can be experienced as criticism.  Emotional honesty tends to come out softer, full of emotion, tentative, and induce the feeling of compassion in the other person. Despite the benefits of emotional honesty, it appears to be the most difficult to achieve.

This level of honesty requires the ability to tolerate being uncomfortable for a little while, to accept one may not be able to fix it, in the moment, or spare one’s spouse pain. It means allowing one’s spouse to have their own feelings.

The deep traumatic pain individuals tend to disclose is typically related to abandonment and betrayal. These tend to be the most intense, unbearables in intimate relationships. Honesty about one’s inner experience is not something typically reported in therapy as ultimately destructive to marriages.

Sharing the complete self can lead to an intimacy deeper than ever imagined, can strengthen the compassion, can lead to a profound understanding of one another . . . and isn’t that ultimately, what we all crave . . . to be heard and understood?

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Interrupting can be a bad habit….and it automatically shuts down lines of communication. When we are so eager and in hurry to get our point across, it is difficult to slow down and not interrupt the other person.  The quick interjection and cutting off the other person sends out a bad message that they don’t matter. The receiving end can feel as if your invisible, what you have to say does not matter, and you’re not important.    There are good intentions bind this approach, yet it unfortunately sends the opposite message.

Here are a few quick tips on how to stop the bad habit of interrupting:

Remember it’s Not Your Turn: Remind yourself that it is your partner’s turn to talk.  Have your mind focused on your partner and what they are saying.  It is their turn, so your job is to simply listen and try to understand what it is like to be in their shoes.

Bite your Tongue: If you disagree or have something to say, bite your tongue, pinch your arm, and count to 10 in your head.  Slow down your response and help keep yourself ground by biting your tongue.

Breathe: Take a deep breath to calm down your reaction and remember that you want your partner to be active in the relationship.  Sometimes just taking a breath will help slow down our reactions.

Take a Mental Note: If something comes to mind, take a mental note to share your point of view later.  Your voice and your views matter, so take note of it and bring it up when it is your turn to talk.

Active Listening: Put into practice the active listening tool.  Your job at that moment is to show your partner that you are listening, try to understand what your partner is saying, and stop thinking about what your next response will be.  Start active listening, stop talking, and stop the active interruptions.

Value Your Partner: Successful communication is to make your partner feel important, emotionally safe, and that they matter.  When communicating, make it your personal goal to send the message that your partner is important and what they have to say matters. Remember that your partner has value.

Take Turns: Create 20 minutes of uninterrupted discussions and take turns sharing your views, ideas, and thoughts.  One person gets to be the talker and other person gets to be the listener.  Take turns on each side.

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Get your Relationship Un-Stuck: By Jennine Estes

Relationships are full of ups and down, ins and outs.  Some couples get caught on the “down” side and fall into the nasty hole of disconnection, loneliness, and dullness.  In many ways, it can feel as if being stuck in a bottom of a ditch; nothing to grab onto to climb out, and the more work to dig your way out, the more dirt falls in.  Many couples try to make repair attempts to climb their way out of the deep hole, but the more it barriers them with more issues to work through.  Does any of this sound?

Getting caught in a ditch with no tools and no latter, can be exhausting.  Couples simply need a bit of hope and team work to help them climb their way out. Here are a few simple steps you can do to begin spicing up your relationship and climbing out of the ditch:

Get out of Routine:  Many couples fall into routine, get used to the fact that they have a partner, and over look nurturing the relationship.  Stop watching television nightly, stop making sex a routine, and stop waiting on your partner.  Find a way to surprise your partner and do something different.

Get Re-energized: Begin creating excitement and energy in your life by focusing on you.  Take your lunch break and meet up with a friend, or get energy by joining a group, or start a new hobby.  Any sense of energy is better than no energy.  The excitement you have in your personal life can boost your motivation to crawl out of the pit.Talk about it: Begin a conversation about being stuck; share with one another about what it is like to be stuck in the ditch, talk about things that might help you two get motivated, and problem solve about other options for climbing out.

Comfort one another: When you two have been trying to dig your way out, it can get tough.  Hold and comfort one another while going through the tough times.  Tell your partner that you two will find a way to get out.   Remember, you aren’t the only one stuck in the ditch.

Look for the Good Stuff: When the disconnection is overwhelming and the energy is low, the optimistic thoughts dwindle away.  Take an active approach and look for the good stuff in the relationship.  Think positive and shift your thoughts from doubtful to hopeful.

Seek Professional Help: When the tough gets going, and the digging only makes things worse, it is time to start yelling for someone to help you find a way out.  A professional, such as a couple’s therapist, isn’t stuck in the ditch and can toss down a rope to help you climb out.

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By Jennine Estes

You may have experienced the feeling when you sit in front of your computer working and you see an email from Facebook staring at you. You think to yourself, “I will make a quick response and then get right back on track with work and be productive.” But next thing you know, you are readying the hilarious posts from friends, responding to interesting conversations, and saying hi to friends you haven’t seen for a while. As your “quick” peak evolves into a long-long time, the facebooking feels “addicting.” Does this sound familiar?

I search through a few of my own Facebook (FB) posts in regards to the “addicting” feeling. Here are a few of my random posts: “Why is it that when I have a thousand things on the ‘to-do’ list, I find myself lost on Facebook?!?!” Or my humor (yet also somewhat serious) about the addiction of Facebook: “I think I might start a new therapy group called “Facebook-aholics Anonymous.”

My random posts on Facebook had a bit of humor, yet it also spoke the truth. I can feel and see how easy it could be to get lost for hours and become out of control. I can moderate with social networking, but what about those who can’t redirect or limit themselves, or for those who have more addictive tendencies?

I have heard over and over with my clients saying that they struggle with the online social networking. It either gets in the way of the relationship (this is my next article…soon to come) or it completely gets out of control. Does it impact your life? Do you feel like it is a bit too much?

Questions to ask yourself to see if your facebooking is a problem:

If you answered yes more than no, you could benefit from taking a deeper look at your Facebook activity and take step to gain control on your social networking.

Here are a few tips on taking back control on your life and creating a healthy balance:

Set FB Time Frame: Moderation is key!! Instead of cutting yourself off completely, allow yourself a limited time during the day. Facebook is a great way to connect with others and build relationships…but needs to be in moderation. Schedule time for social networking after work and personal obligation and limit the amount. Set a timer (I am not joking about this) and only allow yourself 30 minutes to network with your friends, family, and colleagues. Sometimes we need external accountability… and a timer works great!

Put your settings to “Off Line:” People can see if you are available online to have an instant message chat. Your childhood friend that you haven’t seen for 10 years may want to say hello and have a long, drawn out conversation about the years you have been apart. Put your settings to “Off line” so you aren’t easy to access for a conversation and you won’t be tempted to converse with others.

Email Folder Redirect:I get easily distracted, so I can relate with others who get distracted with emails from FB. Created a Facebook folder and have your emails automatically put into the FB folder. The emails won’t sit staring at you in your inbox. You can then click on the FB folder when it is time and you are done with your personal obligations. Try it out; see how this keeps you on track with business and accomplishing tasks.

Change Cell Phone Settings: I just got a new iphone and somehow FB sends me text messages every time I get a message. I understand the distracting and tempting text messages.  This temptation of a text message for some people is like an alcoholic having a bottle of alcohol put in their hands randomly throughout the day…and expected to say “No.” Put up a detour and change your settings. Remove the application from your phone, and make sure that your cell phone doesn’t send you text message updates.

Relationship Time: If FB has been a problem in your relationship, start rebuilding your FB time and get your partner involved in your facebooking. Sit together and check out your friends and family as a team. Instead of having it drive you two apart, find a way to have FB bring you together.

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Women tend to keep secrets from their husbands for a variety of reasons;  it could be from intense amounts of shame, to fear of losing the relationship, to past relationship wounds, to the fear of the packed away emotions exploding out and losing control, etc.

Some secrets are buried for good reasons….and keeping that secret hidden, kept inside can create a sense of feeling in control and emotionally safe.  These deep, dark buried secrets are scary for many to open up and share the vulnerable issue.  It can feel as if they won’t be able to maintain control, and that the over flowing emotions may not ever have an “end” in sight.  It can simply be scary to open up, to feel the emotion.  Feeling the emotion alone can be terrifying, and the unknown of what could happen if they open up Pandora’s Box…and not ever being able to put it back.

Some secrets are only exposed to a specific person, depending on the closeness and emotional security.

If we peel away the layers of human interaction, people ultimately have a need to feel safe and secure with others if they expose a secret, take a risk and get vulnerable with their mate.  Safe and secure meaning: the relationship may be at a loss, fear of being judged, attacked, and/or fear being misunderstood. And if a partner does not take the risk to share the personal secret, it is most likely attached to this concept of not feeling safe and secure about the relationship.

Well, that’s obvious….a woman’s weight and age.  These are two “NEVER have to tell” rules for women.

On the other hand, women don’t need to tell any secret to their mate if they don’t want to. Plain and simple.  Non-disclosure is choice, yet it can come with various consequences in the long run.   Overall, there are very few things that people can lie about where it doesn’t come with some sort of obstacle, problem, or impact on a relationship.

The dangerous part of keeping a secret from your partner is generally not the content of the lie, but it is the act of deception.

The caution is to think about the impact it would have on the relationship if your partner found out later on down the road.   Some white lies or omitted information can still come off as lying or hurting a relationship.  Determine the severity of it and how it may come across.  You don’t have to expose every little personal detail of your past.  Share at your comfort level.  It is your choice.

Ex- Relationships: As much as you want to be honest with your partners, men really don’t want to know how much better in bed your ex-boyfriend was than him.  Be satisfied with the knowledge of your previous sexual experiences and understand that your relationship will be better for your dirty little secret to be kept unsaid. In truth, all things from a previous relationship…things that were private between the two of you, should be treated delicately.  Go on the verge of caution when discussing your sexual experiences with your ex.  Men take much pride on their bedroom performance.  He might hate to know that you lied to him, but he might hate even more knowing about your ex’s performance in bed.

Readiness: Some things are very personal, such as a molestation or rape, and your inability to even discuss the topic may lead to half truths and lies.  Although these items may be best shared eventually (and the sharing may help you heal), the timing is vital and if you aren’t ready, then it isn’t time.  Start at your own individual counseling and then work your way up.

Your Friend’s Secrets: If you have been told something in confidence, there is no reason to break that trust and share the secret with your partner.  Tread lightly and pick and choose.  Maintaining a secret for your friend may lead to a web of lies, so once again tread lightly.  If you told your friend that you would keep the information a secret, keep that secret to the best that you can.

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Sometimes our partner, friend, or family member might share a stressful story, discuss their daily struggle, or express concerns about a topic…. But you have no idea what response might be the proper one.  How do you know what they need during a chat, whether it’s just a willing an ear to listen or to give constructive advice?  This is no simple task…no matter if it is for friendships or intimate relationships.

Here are a few hints about how you might pick up on which one they might need:

Ask what they want: We can read minds…so if you don’t know what they want, simply ask if they want advice, to figure out a solution, or to simply be a sounding board.  You won’t ever really know what they want unless you find out directly from them. Never assume what your friend wants.  Check in ask what you can do to be helpful. Ask if they want to hear a few of your ideas or suggestions, and respect what your friend says they want or need. Never assume what your friend wants.

Phrases Used: If your partner or friend says, “I don’t know what to do,” this is a great place to ask if they’d like a few ideas or to brainstorm ideas together.  Pauses are also signs that you can share some ideas and give your feedback. Ask them if they want any suggestions and find out what options they have compiled.  Most people usually try problem solving and have come up with a variety of options to dealing with the stress, yet still feel overwhelmed by the situation.  Don’t just simply toss out constructive advice if they don’t ask for it.   Ask what they have come up with for options before you over load them problem solving.

Non-Verbal Cues: Some people show the sign of simply “releasing the steam” by endless talk about the problem and hardly ever speaking of a solution.  When people discuss the problem over and over and over, this can be a sign that your friend/partner simply is looking for a sounding board.  But don’t rely on this alone, people aren’t predictable and may want help solving the problem.  Be quick to listen, slow to speak…pay attention if your friend is asking for help or simply describing a difficult situation. If your friend/partner pauses often, this might be a sign that they are looking for help or guidance.  Tell her /him that you have a few ideas and ask if they would be open to hearing the ideas.  Don’t push suggestions if she/he isn’t asking you for it.

Don’t GUESS What They Want: One of the biggest mistakes is to guess what your friend or partner might need.  Humans are unpredictable; we change our minds daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, and emotion-by-emotion.  So don’t guess and “try” different things each time.   Instead, stop your quick knee-jerk reaction to give advice that you think they might want or to solve the problem.  Listen to the big picture of the story.  Try to understand what they are facing, and then ask what they need.

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The “How to Save my Marriage” by Self-Improvement First

Think about the time when you are on an airplane ready for take off and you hear over the intercom that in case of an emergency, air masks will drop….and parents to first put the air masks on themselves, and then put it on the baby.  This concept is that you can’t save your baby if you don’t get your own oxygen.  Baby’s need parents to be alive and taken care of so the baby can be tended to.  This concept is the same for relationships.  We have to tend to ourselves, make sure we are feeling good and emotionally stable, so that we can tend to the relationship.  In order to save a marriage, we have to be living and breathing in a healthy and strong manner.

The more you feel confident in your own skin, the more the confidence will seep out your pours. 

Here are 5 Elements of Self Care:

Physical: Care for yourself physically by exercising on a regular basis, eating healthy foods, and limiting the unhealthy foods.  If you drink on a regular occasion, cut down or put it on the back burner for now.  Physical care doesn’t simply mean eat healthy and working-out, but it also means take time for you physically. For example, spend extra attention on your own personal hygiene, more effort on your hair, spraying perfume/cologne, flossing, get more sleep, or shaving more often.  The more you care for yourself, not only will you hold yourself in a more confident manner, but the more your partner will notice you are taking extra effort to look good for them.

Mentally: Often we use our brain solely for work or for the family and that we become brain-dead by the end of the day.  It is vital to take time to decompress and relax your mind.  Feed your mind with something mentally stimulating that gets your mind excited, such as read a good book, learn about a new topic, or educate yourself about a topic that you have wanted to learn about.  The more mentally satisfied you are, the more it impacts the way you can relate with others.

Emotionally: Take time to emotionally improve your mood.  The more stressed and overwhelmed you are, the harder it is for your partner to connect with you.  The mood can automatically drive a wedge in between the bond.  Take time to decompress your emotions, regulate your mood, and slow down your reactions. Your JOB is to regulate your mood.  If your emotions aren’t regulated, then your partner isn’t able to see that you are safe place to connect with.  Calm your nerves, decompress, and let out your steam in a productive manner.

Spiritually: Feed your soul with your spirituality….and this doesn’t necessarily mean “religious.”  Find a way to include your spirituality by meditations, prayer, attending church, or connecting with mother-nature.

Relationally: Relationships all need nurturing, not just your intimate relationship, but your relationships with others.  Nurture your heart by improving your relationships with your children, friends, and family.  Make sure that you have a balance in your relationships, yet setting healthy boundaries.

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